Out of Pod Experience

Once i made a belt out of watches



it was a waist of time

Did you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no"?
-No.
Oh, so it's you!

A batch of muffins are sitting in the oven.

One muffin turns and says : "Boy, it sure is hot in here!"

The other muffin says : "AAAH! A talking muffin!"

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "got grapes?"

The bartender looks at the duck strangely and says "no, this is bar". The duck walks out of the bar.

The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender "got grapes?" The bartender looks at the duck strangely and says "no, this is bar".

The next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender "got grapes?" The bartender looks at the duck strangely and says "Look, if you ask me one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar." The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and says "got nails?"

"No..."

"...Got grapes?"

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

The next day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."

A guy from [your favorite non-English speaking country here] and his new bride are on a train in an overnight sleeper car. "Ah, Virginia, this is going be very good honeymoon trip to Washington D.C.!"
He takes out a cigar and lights it up. Just then a conductor comes by and says "No smoking on the train."
"Ah, Virginia, I cannot smoke in this country!" So he got out a bottle of wine. Just as he opened it, the conductor came by and said "No drinking on the train."
"Ah, Virginia, I cannot drink in this country either! OK, let's just go to bed, eh, my darling?" Just after he pulls the curtain on the bed, the conductor walks by and calls out "Norfolk, Virginia!"
"Ah, Virginia," he says, "I cannot do nothing in this country!"

A galiant knight was riding his horse back to the castle when he came upon a an old man pinned under a tree branch.
"Help me and I will grant you 3 wishes" pleaded the old man.
The knight and his horse removed the branch from atop the man.
"Oh thank' you said the old man. "Now what do you wish for?"
The knight thought for a moment and then asked "I want five beautiful women to be mine alone to bed at night"
The old man snapped his fingers and it was so.
"I want all the riches in the world" said the knight.
The old man snapped his fingers again and it was so.
"For my final wish, I want to be hung like my horse" said the night exhausting his wishes.
The old man snap his fingers and it was so.
The knight rushed to the castle to show off his newly aquired riches.
"Look at my beautiful women" he said as he danced with him and the towns people ohhh and ahhed.
"Look at my richest" said the knight as he put the crown on his head and the towns people ohhed and ahhhed.
"Look at my magnificent genitals" said the knight as he dropped his pants exposing himself.
The towns people stared in amazment and confusion, which made the knight question what was going on. A man in the crowd said aloud "Galliant knight, that is the biggest pu$$y I have ever saw."

If you think that is the only thing I command then you don't realise my involvement in the world of genetic engineering.

Today chickens. Tomorrow the world....

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."