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EVE Fiction

 
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The BEST EVE Fanfiction EVER

First post
Author
DarkAegix
24th Imperial Crusade
Amarr Empire
#1 - 2011-09-08 08:53:32 UTC
Sir Commander El Capitano strutted down his solid, gold walkway to his officer fitted Ferox. Today would be a day no one would ever forget. He took a gulp of the champagne glass of Quafe he was drinking from, as his monocle glistened in the station's lights.

Sir Admiral Commander El Capitano walked aboard the ship, nodding at various peasant crew members who bowed towards his greatness. "Oh, El Capitano!" they said, "Please! Let me have your babies!" He laughed merrily, and contracted exotic dancers to the peasants. Suddenly, the entire ship shook violently! They were under attack!

Sir Admiral Commander Chairman El Capitano rushed down the ship's corridors! He had to get to his capsule! Why had Scotty undocked the ship before he was ready and in the capsule!? Another volley pummeled into the Ferox, shaking it to its very core. None of the Ferox's modules were active, and that shaking meant the shields were depleted!

Sir Admiral Commander Supreme Chairman El Capitano yelled "MONOCLE! GIVE ME POWER!", and he was suddenly imbued with the power of Monocle, giving him a +50% bonus to speed for 30 seconds. He sprinted to the control room, toppling various peasants out of the way. He kicked down a Door, and saw it! His pod!

Sir Ultimate Admiral Commander Supreme Chairman El Capitano collapsed to the ground under another violent explosion! His mighty Ferox's armour was gone! Blasted Scotty! He will pay for this! He dove into his pod, and activated the necessary camera drones and UI. Ack! He was halfway through structure, and being attacked by 10 Falcons and a Dramiel! He engaged his active hull tank, and began reloading FOF missiles into his rocket, standard, assault missile, heavy and heavy assault missile launchers. He'll give those piratical scum a surprise they'd never forget.

Sir Ultimate Admiral Commander Supreme Executive Chairman El Capitano laughed merrily, his hull tank was sustaining all incoming damage! His monocle glistened in the glow of the pod goo. Firing his FOF missiles, the Falcons around him erupted into flames. Only the Dramiel was left, but the missiles couldn't hit it! The Dramiel orbited his ship at 500m, at 180,000,000,000m/s. Cursed Dramiels! He couldn't wait for CONCORD to nerf them!

Sir Ultimate Admiral Commander Supreme Executive Chairman General El Capitano roared in fury. Drastic times call for drastic measures! Overheating his 100MN MWD, fitted with the help of a monocle, the Ferox rapidly accelerated to the Dramiel's predicted location in 10 seconds! Aura began screaming about the capacitor being empty, and the modules being out of charges, but Sir Ultimate Chief Admiral Commander Supreme Executive Chairman General El Capitano had a plan. "INJECT MONOCLES INTO THE CAPACITOR! LOAD MONOCLES INTO THE WEAPONRY!"

Sir Ultimate Chief Admiral Commander Supreme Overlord Executive Chairman General El Capitano gritted his teeth, as the Dramiel visibly began to have a collision course straight towards his Ferox! The capacitor suddenly exploded to over 9000%, thanks to the injected monocles. "ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!" he yelled, as the Ferox SLAMMED into the Dramiel! Lights flashed off, peasant crew members bounced around and the exotic dancers in cargo bay began bumping into each other! But, somehow, the Dramiel had survived!

Sir Ultimate Chief Admiral Commander Supreme Overlord Executive Chairman General El Capitano the Great swore explosively, and nearly raged in local chat, but then he noticed something! The Dramiel had zero velocity! "FIRE THE MONOCLES!" The Dramiel exploded into flames, as the monocles tore into its hull. This called for great celebration!
[ 2011.09.11 03:07:26 ] El Capitano > BWA HAHAHAHHAH! DIE, PUNY PEASANTS!
[ 2011.09.11 03:07:28 ] El Capitano > FALL UNDER THE CRUSHING MIGHT OF MY GREAT MONOCLE!
[ 2011.09.11 03:07:30 ] El Capitano > YOUR DRAMIELS AND FALCONS ARE WORTHLESS UNDER MY POWER!
[ 2011.09.11 03:07:31 ] Jita Alt #3432324 > WTS 2X PLEX 600MIL SEE MY BIO

Sir Ultimate Chief Admiral Commander Supreme Overlord Executive Chairman General El Capitano the Great the Third chuckled softly to himself, as he docked back into the station. This great victory calls for even greater celebration. He began walking to the Door, which led to his items hangar. He stood in front of the Door, and it scanned his body. "Monocle detected. Welcome, Sir Ultimate Chief Justice Admiral Commander Supreme Overlord Executive Chairman General El Capitano the Great the Third. Please enter." The door smoothly opened, unveiling his items hangar.

Billions of exotic dancers began pouring out, into his captain's quarters, across the walkway, and over into the large ship maintenance area. Peasants and capsuleers alike were swept off their feet, as the wave of exotic dancers overwhelmed them all. Sir Ultimate Chief Justice Admiral Commander Supreme Overlord Executive Chairman General 'Estamel's Modified' El Capitano the Great the Third chucked softly, as a force field his monocle erected protected him from harm. He took a gentle sip from his glass of Quafe, and marveled at his power. This was the Age of Monocle.
Cyaxares II
Vectigalia Inc
#2 - 2011-09-08 09:10:28 UTC
tl;dr
The Mittani
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#3 - 2011-09-08 09:13:12 UTC
this is a bad thread and you should feel ashamed for posting it

~hi~

DarkAegix
24th Imperial Crusade
Amarr Empire
#4 - 2011-09-08 12:12:59 UTC
El Capitano giggled like a young Gallentean schoolboy. Today will be the day he becomes the most powerful capsuleer in the universe. He could barely contain his excitement as he saw his new, all-powerful ship majestically glide from the storage bay to his hangar. His ‘Monocle’s Modified’ Falcon will tear New Eden to shreds.

Captain El Capitano undocked from Jita 4-4 and glanced at his overview. Hundreds of targets. Hundreds of victims. It was time to begin. Colonel Captain El Capitano bellowed “MONOCLES, ACTIVATE!”, and his Falcon was suddenly engulfed in a golden, expensive and highly fashionable glow. Silently giggling to himself, whilst being fed AURUM-encrusted grapes by his favourite exoctic dancers, Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano began locking targets sitting outside the Jita undock.

With hundreds of targets locked and his monocles running at peak efficiency, Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano decided it was time to begin. Stretching over the rim of his Quafe-filled bath, Councillor Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano pressed F1, F2, F3, F4, F5, F6, F7, F8, F9, F10, F11, F12 and even F13. The destruction was immediate and lethal.

Hundreds of peasant capsuleer craft exploded into shreds, as the Monocle-fuelled Falcon blasted its XXL Monocle Siege Cannons. CONCORD ships warped in, but Corporal Councillor Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano perma-jammed them all by using his Universal Monocle Frequency Jammers. Shards of battleships and freighters plummeted into the station, destroying countless peasant CQs and Doors. Commissioner Corporal Councillor Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano didn’t care. He was beyond material possessions. He was finally one with the Monocle.

Stepping out of his Quafe-bath, Cadet Commissioner Corporal Councillor Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano put on his $1000 Japanese jeans and witnessed the destruction he had caused: It was as precise as his ‘Precision’ boots. With Jita his, Cutthroat Cadet Commissioner Corporal Councillor Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano could begin the next stage of his plan: constructing a giant, monocle-shaped death-laser capable of converting peasants into pure AURUM. Using his monocle, Cruel Cutthroat Cadet Commissioner Corporal Councillor Chief Commander Colonel Captain El Capitano dialled the number of Capitano Corp Production. Construction would begin immediately.
Brooks Puuntai
Solar Nexus.
#5 - 2011-09-08 12:18:56 UTC
tl:dr

Though self claiming something as the best ever immediately shows that its crap.

CCP's Motto: If it isn't broken, break it. If it is broken, ignore it. Improving NPE / Dynamic New Eden

Furb Killer
#6 - 2011-09-08 12:34:08 UTC
A++, would read again
Xanath Fireheart
Natla Technologies
#7 - 2011-09-08 12:53:01 UTC
Hehe, actually found that quite amusing.

[i][b][center]  I'm a warrior... The blood won't wash away.[/center][/b][/i]

Rakshasa Taisab
Sane Industries Inc.
#8 - 2011-09-08 12:59:02 UTC
I read nothing about weird and unusual sexual activity... This is false advertisement, that's not fanfic.

Nyan

AnzacPaul
Hostile.
PURPLE HELMETED WARRIORS
#9 - 2011-09-08 13:03:18 UTC
Lol nice one.
CCP Zymurgist
C C P
C C P Alliance
#10 - 2011-09-08 14:47:49 UTC
Moved from General Discussion.

Zymurgist Community Representative CCP NA, EVE Online Contact Us at http://support.eveonline.com/pages/petitions/createpetition.aspx

Zangorus
Lightning Squad
#11 - 2011-09-09 17:48:24 UTC
The Mittani wrote:
this is a bad thread and you should feel ashamed for posting it

Like my comment and recieve 1 million isk ingame!

T' Elk
MASS
Pandemic Horde
#12 - 2011-09-10 16:24:50 UTC
The Mittani wrote:
this is a bad thread and you should feel ashamed for posting it

Writing something here to avoid empty quoting <3

~Badposter since FOOOOREEEEEVAAAAAR~ I come back after 2 years to THIS? ~Now 4 years apparently

DarkAegix
24th Imperial Crusade
Amarr Empire
#13 - 2011-09-11 01:15:53 UTC
El Capitano sighed and looked out his Opux Luxury Yacht’s window. He felt depressed. Depressed that no amount of ISK could buy him true happiness. But then he remembered that AURUM could. “MONOCLE, GIVE ME HAPPINESS!” He was engulfed in a golden glow of kittens, sunshine and beer.
“Aaaaah,” he thought to himself, “that’s better.” General El Capitano looked out his window again, paying particular attention to the giant AUR-RAY which Capitano Corp Production was constructing. It barely looked like they had even started!

Using his monocle to dial CCP’s number, Great General El Capitano sighed impatiently and sat on his throne constructed entirely out of ancient Jovian technology.
“CCP, this is Great General El Capitano the Great. What’s taking so long on your production of the AUR-RAY? When will it be complete?”
“We have a team working on it now. In about :18 months: it should be done.”
Grand Great General El Capitano the Great jumped up from his throne, yelling in rage, and destroyed a nearby planet with his monocle.
“MONOCLE, GIVE ME HAPPINESS!”

Nothing happened. El Capitano froze. His monocle was depleted. He felt his peasantry begin to seep in, respect for him lowering and his manly parts shrinking in size. Private El Capitano staggered towards his capsule. He must get to a NeX store and purchase a replacement monocle! Stepping into the pod, Private El Capitano the Meek felt the slimy pod goo creep over his skin. It was no longer made out of Quafe and exotic dancer blood.

Warping to a nearby station, Baby Private El Capitano the Meek coughed, splattering AUR over the inside of the pod. His body was beginning to reject his AURUM bloodstream. Docking, Baby Private El Capitano the Meek Kitten fell out of his capsule into the dark, smelly, peasant Minmatar quarters. It was so dim that he could barely see a metre, and he was beginning to overheat. Opening the NeX Store ordering window Pathetic Baby Private El Capitano the Meek Kitten rushed to purchase a monocle. “Thank you for purchasing from NeX. Your monocle is behind the Door.”

Dragging his body to the Door, Pathetic Baby Private El Capitano the Meek Marshmallow Kitten prayed that it would open. It didn’t. The air was not fit for capsuleer consumption. Pathetic Baby Carebear Private El Capitano the Meek Marshmallow Kitten lost consciousness.
Ciar Meara
PIE Inc.
Khimi Harar
#14 - 2011-09-14 12:37:26 UTC
Oh gosh I sure hope El Capitano makes it out of this one with his monocle intact!

- [img]http://go-dl1.eve-files.com/media/corp/janus/ceosig.jpg[/img] [yellow]English only please. Zymurgist[/yellow]