Out of Pod Experience

Getting sick of getting loads of mails from muppets every time I buy something form Amazon.

Here's my reply to the last one which was sent to me after I ordered some of those little sticky mats to stop your mobile skating around the dash as you mow down pedestrians in the precinct.

"Dear xk36vqzb2nf268p,

Or xk36 if I may call you that.

I unsubscribed from amazon's "spam you with shite cos you made a purchase" list.

Why am I on yours?

Do not contact me again.

In other words, **** off and write your own **** reviews about how wonderful your little plastic mats are and how they have changed your life.... just like every other **** on the internet does.

I don't ask your grandmother to review my performance online after she pays me to shove nectarines up her rancid and wrinkly ******** for 2 hours on a Friday night. Why is it you think I have the slightest ******* interest in providing a free review for your product? I have better things to do... including your mother.

Actually I'd be grateful if you let her know I won't be around to kick her back doors in tomorrow as arranged as the chemist is out of industrial strength johnnies and her corrosive slimy sweat eats through the normal ones like she was designed by H R Geiger.

If I hear from you again I will come round to your house and **** in your cornflakes.... and make you use your fingers not a spoon to eat it.

Again.

Get well soon

PS Actually I find that 257 of the little mats stuck to the interior wall of a transit van make an excellent impromptu "human flypaper" to stick my victims to until such time as I can find a conveniently quiet spot in which to murder them, **** their still warm corpses and then package the remains for Findus. Another two or three mats make an excellent gag to stop them alerting the rozzers should I pull up next to them at the lights on my way to rural Lancashire."

You think they might take the hint this time?

Fair enough.

Why not attend a creative writing course and learn to stop making them then?

Because I am already teaching you.

Proper transit? or one of those pathetic transit connect thingies that's really a Fiesta with a shoebox on the back?

And yes Amazon spam is annoying.

overt brit speak when everyone knows the internet is in american english

i sense a troll

OP is nearly as old as me,

all those free resculpts, and he still looks like that?

he looks like Harry Potter the half-blooded nope

I would give OP a PLEX but he might spend it on gold spray paint ( I hear those are a favorite )

You just verified to the spammer that the e-mail account is real and has an actual person behind it, not a throw away account that is checked maybe once or twice a year.

It was early in the morning, I was bored and had nothing better to do. "Why not share my boredom with the wise sages of OOPE", I thought.

Do not reply....odd. I only printed the text of my reply to it, and I checked and it doesn't say "DO NOT REPLY" anywhere on the mail they sent me. Are you hacking my e-mail account and then telling lies about what's in there or have you just failing to read what was written and leaping to a conclusion?

Add "unsuccessful at reading stuff" to the list.

I was hoping for a chuckle or two amongst the derisory comments from bitter girlie men with no aspirations above tearing everything down and making life just that little bit shittier on average for us all.

I got exactly what I expected.

7/10

Not your best work.

edit:-I find it amusing that the idea of me adding some much needed flavour to an oitherwise "meh" cereal and enjoying sexual congress with women offends you, but that you seem to be OK with me gluing folk to the inside of the van and then selling their violated remains to a well known horse lasagne manafacturer. Might I suggest you review your priorities? You are clearly far more twisted than I could ever hope to be.