Out of Pod Experience

So I just found out that my grandfather, whom I had a close relationship growing up with, recently died. My parents decided not to tell me because they were afraid I'd bring my Significant Other and "cause conflict" in the family.

Grandpa was a WW2 vet. I was planning on attending his funeral in uniform and assist with the honor detail (I'm a military vet).

So, Eve has been my on again-off again family over the years...what do I do? I've never been this angry in my life.


(Yes, me and my partner are of the same gender. My parents don't accept that. Can we please just leave that here, and not turn things into a homo/hetero fight?)

Tell your parents, that they did they right thing by intentionally spitting in your face, while disrespecting and alienating your immediate loved ones, so no conflict could possibly be caused by this within the family.

That would make more sense to say AFTER someone makes a big deal about it.

I would have suggested just going alone. Your significant other probably never even met your grandfather anyway. My parents frequently go solo to different funerals, and when my friends and relatives start dying in greater numbers i won't force any partner i have to go to funerals for people they never met.

Nope, didn't get to attend. I got told Grandpa died today, the day after they held the funeral.

That's pretty ******* low. It's not something I'd break a family relationship over, but it's something I'd never forgive either.

Not yet. It's a long drive for me, and I'm not in the best condition to drive. Planning on going tomorrow, or the day after.

well, i think you have every right to be furious. while nothing can actually be done about the missing funeral service, you can (and should imo) give the offending party a big piece of your mind. because their behavior is abhorrent and should not be tolerated at all.

We had something kind of similar in my family. Our dad had a stroke in the cortex, which is what tells your heart when to beat and your lungs when to breathe. He was completely gone, no chance of recovery, already gone on to his reward. Machines in the hospital were just mechanically keeping his body going. My mom and the majority of the siblings all agreed to pull the plug. No way our dad, a pragmatic WWII vet, nature conservationist, and church-going Christian, would want his body sitting in a hospital going on like that.

Anyway, after we all left the hospital, one sibling went back and told them to keep the machines going. He wanted to wait until the next day, when his son could get to the hospital. It pissed us all off at the time. We could understand his reasons. But we couldn't understand how, after the family had all pondered and agreed on what would be our dad's wishes, we went back and secretly vetoed us. He made a decision for all of us, against our wishes, in something that involved the passing of a family member.

I think it's kind of similar to your situation in this way: If you don't like it, have the guts to tell me to my face. A family member's death is a pretty important thing, and you don't get to decide about something like that for me.

(But I will say that we eventually all forgave our sibling. And I'm glad we did. We might not respect him as much as before, but we forgave him and we accept him for who he is).

I bat "For the Other Team" as well.

Good Lord, this happens all the time in our community. ALL THE TIME.

It's seriously a sad situation that people cannot be honest about things, especially with the much older generations.

I lucked out in that my father came around eventually, but a lot of us are not so lucky.

And I was in my 20's during the 1980's and let me not tell you stories of what a nightmare that was. When people passed we had to "de-gay" apartments and whatever before the parents arrived. This nonsense went on for years and years.

Honestly, there really is not much you can do. But primarily, do not blame yourself or what you are for this situation.

The onus here is both on those who are 'too embarrassed' to have you at a major funeral, AND who kept the news from you.

The best advice I can give you is to keep your chin up. Go to the grave site at some point and do what you must.

And if your life is in a financial and secure position and all that, I would treat your family in kind and absolutely never, ever speak to any of them ever again. For what they did, no matter what you do, YOU are the better person.

They need to be punished....