Warfare & Tactics

Dear Trinkets friend,

Gimme the % chance the thread I create will be instalocked and popped if I name it:

DCM's UNFRIENDLY ADVICE COLUMN (AKA: THE "GET ******" COLUMN)

Cheers,
DCM

Are you saying that my poem was not constructive?

This is a trolling thread, dealing with a badly designed product you designed and actively take part in by boosting two sides of the conflict and kicking down two others.

And you expect good quality discussion?

p.s: I probably get banned due to this message for "talking back to CCP"

Dear Dan,

Dealing with disappointment is one skill you must train to 5 IRL, in order to enjoy playing EVE. Looking at your IRLboard.com stats, you have trained it only to level 2, hence why you are disappointed.

Sincerely,

TF

Dear Priscilla,

My nasally whine, sounding much like a punctured bagpipe blowing air up a macaque's bunghole, can be heard any time of the day, by the sole action of standing on the highest peak in Europe and uttering the incantation "Orcus, Orcus, Orcus!".

In order to be as sexy as me a strict dietary regimen and exercise routine must be followed for at least 35 years, consisting of;
- spend 2 weeks in the desert, licking rocks and not playing EVE
- during these 2 weeks of rock molestation, you should drink 2-3 beers a night and eat copiously due to boredom
- during this time, spare time can be devoted to forum trolling and other mental calisthenics such as pawing through a thesaurus and 1830's Houseiwves Almanac
- spend 1 week welded to your computer chair in between stints in the desert being gainfully employed, pew-pewing drunk and eating copious amounts of food.

In no time you will have the physique of a Magic Pudding!

Sincerely,

TF

Dear Stalking Mantis,

I did see you brutalise four dudes one after another in a small complex in Isbrabata before your champion Incursus succumbed to the inevitable attrition of Minmatards throwing their hulls against yours, gumming up your blasters with rust and manky sweat. I believe that in asking this question in this manner is your backhanded way of saying "luls look how awesome I am". Indeed, twas a good effort, and you should feel proud.

This brings me to the second part of your question and the second part of my answer, which is that, clearly, people are becoming hurt in their buttocks that you are able to pwn their frigates one by one. But I would like to give a rejoinder - that it is not a blob when people derp into you one by one and die fruitlessly. This is, by and large, the result of inexperience and poor judgment on the part of the Minmatar brosufs with the aching posteriors; if you had been blobbed, logically, you may not have prevailed as well as you did.

Finally, I am commited, in this "advice" column, to a vow of celibacy, secrecy and anonymity to those who wish it, so I cannot divulge the comminques in the secret Minmatar Militia cabal of bblobfish relatingg to yourself and your compadres. So, sadly, no tears for you, just the realisation that you did reach out and touch several people today.

Sincerely,

TF

I stopped myself from doing that by ensuring my laptop is upto date and is more than capable of playing eve. Therefore I spend my evenings on camp happily blasting away pixels so that when I go home my wife and kids will actually see me away from the computer

And tbh my connection on camp is fully fiber enabled so it is fas as....but I live in the hills at home and the connection isn't that good

This is explains so much.

So beautiful D,:

You sir are a master of the vocal language!

Dear Lost-Without-You,

The N'xuu tribe of the kalahari bushmen have a unique dialect of glottal tics and mouth-clicks, which is a fascinating language shared with many other tribes in the kalahari region. But did you know they do not have a word for 'regret'? They only have a word for fond reminiscence, xh'ku, which is what these fond memories are; recounting the days when one would spend four hours watching a Tengu in a POS, waiting for him to finish playing a game of Ninja Gaidan or Panty Raider IV, and come back to EVE to farm his sites, then grab ahold of him in the Cheetah of Doom and bait in his pals just as our gank squad landed and brutalised them. Xu'ku.

Rather than being stuck with xu'ku or regret, one should think positively on the developments which have drawn you apart from your space-bros. You live in a world of awesome opportunities, with flashy rejiggered ships which may not be pimp, but are disposable and fun. I, for one, am enjoying the lack of isolation in a wormhole, the incessant need to feed the mewling maw of the POS fuel bay, and I can always access their ISK-printing ability at the drop of a probe. Verily, with 250 kills already this month, wormholes may be for the elite, but FW is where you go for the goodfites - pirate or otherwise.

Plus, of course, the batphone is always there.

Sincerely,

TF