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EVE Fiction

 
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'Beginning without an end'
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BuntCakez
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#1 - 2012-11-12 02:06:23 UTC  |  Edited by: BuntCakez
http://noumpsy.blogspot.co.uk/

I read books frequently, and after reading The Empyrean Age I kinda wanted to try my hand at writing a little story.

I know that this little piece of fiction could use some more refining, but its late and I just finished it.
Any of your opinions will be appreciated as I will try to improve.
Every One
Triglavian Directive
S h a d o w
#2 - 2012-11-13 11:25:37 UTC
Where exactly can we write our feedback? Here?

If so, I've managed to read until the doctor scene with the implants (no time for more right now)

I am going to be realistic, I love reading stuff like this about EVE, I'd like to love yours too but right now it's kinda boring. Writing about his exam, his 1 minute flight simulation.
Not really interested in reading that, sorry :/.

Also "Didn't you mother ever teach you its rude to stare?" seemed very unrealistic. Would a doctor in a hospital / clinic really ask you that? Hm....

Looking forward to reading the whole article.

Again, where do we post feedback? I'd want for you to not take this personally, I'd just want to enjoy reading more.
BuntCakez
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#3 - 2012-11-13 20:22:08 UTC
The idea was to give a brief history of the events of the day, which is why i didnt spend more than a paragraph on anything upto to the meeting with the doctor.

The "rude to stare" sentence is a rather basic everyday phrase which i have heard countless times myself, and i think that any woman being stared that (that can approach being stared at with humour) would have a chance of saying that.

As for feedback, leave it here, or in the future posts when i write more pieces of this.

And dont worry, i wont take anything personally... i did ask for ANY fof your opinions :)
Telegram Sam
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#4 - 2012-11-13 20:27:42 UTC  |  Edited by: Telegram Sam
Edit: Ninjaed! Bunt posted while I was typing mine.

Haven't had a chance to read it yet, but good on you. By the way, there's an EVE fiction contest currently going on, with good prizes. Check out the stickied post here in EVE Fiction.

Quick note: Dont be discouraged by the good, honest feedback. Feedback's rough to take. I have a couple a friends (an artist and a writer) that I exchange feedback with. We're all easy-going guys, under normal circumstances. But when it comes to getting feedback, at one point or other each of us has gotten upset and defensive. "How dare you question my artistic decision on that?" "You just didn't get it!" "You think you can do better?" "You're insulting my baby!" Smile It's normal. But now I'm used to it, and really value anyone who will actually bother to read my stuff. And generously risk throwing me into a psychotic fit by giving me honest feedback. Blink
BuntCakez
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#5 - 2012-11-13 22:54:23 UTC
i think ill try to write the next part to this story and submit it to the contest.

I doubt I will win since I am quite the beginner, but giving it a shot wont hurt :)
Every One
Triglavian Directive
S h a d o w
#6 - 2012-11-14 14:21:48 UTC
I managed to read it in a hurry. I didn't quite understand why they put an implant in his "normal" body when he had to die anyway.

Also the death thing was really confusing, I'm not sure what exactly happened. Glass barrier? He fell into a container?

Hmm.. ? What? What? Big smile

I tend to believe that you overcomplicated some parts and it makes the reader hard to understand.


Good luck with the next one. I'm looking forward to it

Also I wanted to say that the ending was pretty awesome.

"But he has all the time in the world to fulfil his dreams.

He was afterall,
immortal."

Another tip would be to not give ships their technical name "Velator-class frigate". By now, as most students, he would of started using diminutives or replaces "Velator-class frigate" with "speedy Velator" or would have used another adjective. Stop being so formal about it, its happening in the head of a newly graduate.
Daelmaron Fyresong
Viziam
Amarr Empire
#7 - 2012-11-14 17:47:01 UTC  |  Edited by: Daelmaron Fyresong
BuntCakez wrote:
i think ill try to write the next part to this story and submit it to the contest.

I doubt I will win since I am quite the beginner, but giving it a shot wont hurt :)


Buddy, never doubt yourself while writing. Even though you may be just beginning your career as a fiction writer I have seen plenty of novices be the ones that get published and win things. If you are interested I would be more than happy to toss you my email and throw feedback on your writing back at you as a writer and artist myself. It would be a good resource for you to begin getting better. Toss me an eve mail if you are interested. So far I have enjoyed your story.
BuntCakez
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#8 - 2012-11-14 21:21:25 UTC
Thank you very much for the feedback guys. Ill make sure to take them into consideration when writing my next piece.

The implants into his body before cloning was something i read in a different short story, so I took it on good faith that it was a good practice (maybe to acclimate the body to the changes of the implants).
I also guess that I should have clarified that his clone was inside a container filled with liquid oxygen, I guess i thought it but forgot to write it down :).
Finally, I used the ships technical name to further emphasize how immersed he was into his education.
(not being defensive or anything, just wanted to explain my choices and mishaps :))


And thank you very much for your offer Dael, ill send you an email when I have something written :)
Every One
Triglavian Directive
S h a d o w
#9 - 2012-11-14 21:33:11 UTC
BuntCakez wrote:

Finally, I used the ships technical name to further emphasize how immersed he was into his education.
(not being defensive or anything, just wanted to explain my choices and mishaps :))


It's ok, aaaa....try some other technical info then, not like the class of the ship, more like this: first I had to start off with the velator, which wouldn't be such a problem considering the weight / speed ratio making this ship the most suitable for new capsuleers. Then my head started focusing on other technical features and even though the shi is just a measly frigate, all the information I have accumulated made me feel safe flying one into my first mission

Wrote that really fast mainly to make a point rather than to delight you with words.
BuntCakez
Aliastra
Gallente Federation
#10 - 2012-11-14 21:56:38 UTC
will take note of that :)