EVE Fiction

Hey, I have never done Eve fiction before so I was wondering if you could give some feedback on the first draft of the chapter 1 of my first story to tell me if it feels 'right' /you enjoy it at all/ I'm an idiot. This is a pretty big departure from my usual genres so please tell me what you think.

This story 'The Auditor,' is about the pressures of life in and the structure of the Caldari state. Thanks in advance!

1.

Yukia Hitomi regained consciousness. The twenty-something Civire kept her eyes closed, enjoying the comfort and lack or responsibility that just lying in bed brought, not something to get too used to perhaps; but good to indulge in every now and again.

She knew that in about half an hour her alarm clock would go off as she always woke up about half an hour before her alarm went off. She flailed an arm at the grey box on her bedside table to prevent the irritation of the alarm going off later and having to shut it down. There wasn't much in New Eden she found more unpleasant than its piercing beep telling her that she was too lazy. She had endeavoured for years to get up before the alarm went off and show it who the lazy one really was.

She turned and stretched in bed, a stab of pain in her head a reminder of last night's drinking. As she grimaced the silvery cover next to her stirred; a man's head emerged the face familiar : Flavian Relius. A few years her younger, he was a technician working in the drone maintenance bays of the Chimera class Carrier State's Glory: the ship that currently bore them through Caldari low security space on the way to a Minedrill installation in the Taisy system.

Looking out into space through sleep covered eyes Yukia watched the stars slide by the viewport, stretched out by the effect of the ship's warp drive. She turned back to the room and found herself face to face with Flavian who was moving in for a, perhaps, overly affectionate kiss. She turned her head to one side.

'Flavian, You have BAD wine breath, I'd sooner kiss a Slaver Hound than you right now.'

'Now whose fault is that?' he replied.

Yukia was an auditor in the employ of the Caldari Navy Corporation, as a technician Flavian was a much lower pay grade than her. She had been very clear with him that were just friends who might have a little fun whenever she was assigned to State's Glory and she became uncomfortable when he tried to talk with her as an equal.

Still he was a nice young man and fun to spend time with; so when she had learned that her work would take her back to his ship she had bought a couple of finer Gallentean wines to share with him. It worried her that she couldn't quite rationalize this action. Perhaps, she thought, she was treating him like you would treat a good pet? That would be the most comfortable situation for her to be in.

'Well I didn't make you drink so much that you smell like a Gallentean grape picker. Maybe you could learn a little restraint.' She realized she was being too harsh with him and after a split second pause added.

'For next time.' Which she punctuated with a sly wink.

'Now I need to get ready for work and, more importantly, I'd hate for your little robotic children to feel leaderless without their loving father around, so perhaps you should head to work too.' He frowned at her. She smirked at him.

'If those loveable little rust buckets start shooting at us rather than the Guristas when we reach the operational zone, I'll be able to tell your supervisor that our drones are malfunctioning because their technician neglected his duties trying to seduce a talented and beautiful officer.'

'Succeeding in seducing' he noted with a cocky smile.

'Only after drugging her with wine; when she sobered up in the morning she thought better of the situation...'

Yukia pushed through the headache and slid out of bed. She gained as much composure as possible when one is naked and hungover and paced across her grey cabin towards the shower.

' Be gone when I'm done in the shower please... and stop staring at my bum.'

He didn't.

Thanks for the feedback, hmm I was trying to get across how she felt the need to attempt to be MORE of a super person than her partner due to the class distinction between them, even hungover in the bedroom she feels compelled to act like management material to his worker bee. But perhaps I layered it on a little thickly

I take your points on board, can see that she's a bit of a dead character and see that I need to turn the scene into more than just waking up for it to extend this long OR just shorten it.

I knew this forum would be the right place to come to get beaten into shape. I'll be back with a redraft if anyone wants to pull that apart until I'm going in the right direction and then churn out the whole thing; it'll be fun, I promise :D