Out of Pod Experience

Been a leisurely 10 or 15 minute drive from home when you body says, "oh cool, you're close to home... by the way... you are about 10 minutes overdue for a number 2." And this is not just any number 2... this is the kind that makes beads of sweat run across your forehead. Your muscles ache in agony. The kind that makes your whole body feel toxic. The kind that gives you the impression that some demon spawn crawled up your bunghole and died... in agony.

You quickly do a check on what places nearby with usable toilets... but sadly you come up short. Everything is either closed or as hygienically poor as the atrocity seeking exit from your body. So you floor your accelerator and tear through the freeway and residential streets at insane speeds. You try to pucker up... just to hold out... but the unholy nature of it just sends you into deeper distress. You know you are losing the battle. You know time is short. You scream at your car to go faster and for a brief moment wonder what life would be like with Star Trek's transporter technology.

You approach home. You toss off your seatbelt before you even stop. You halfhazardly park at an odd angle. Like... you could park another car between you and the curb. Who cares. Out of the car... pull out your keys... dammit... wallet is still in the car... ****... need to go... running... fumble with keys... WHO LOCKED ALL THE LOCKS?!? Fumble some more... running... running... unbutton pants... NOOO! I'm not going to make it! Pants off! O' Fortuna then begins to play out of no where.


So what's your worst bathroom incident?

Walking home from a party in a suit, stomach tells me its is time, no public restrooms nearby, but fortunately for me there is still some mother nature where I live. Suffice it to say leaves and bark are not epic TP, but they get the job done and the suit was saved. Turns out mother nature is not all that bad if you are a bit creative.