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The Story of The Ninja - Epic Biblical Edition
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Shameless Avenger

Can Preachers of Kador

Likes received: 584

#1 - 2012-07-11 03:40:59 UTC | Edited by: Shameless Avenger

Disclaimer: If you read this, you might end up spontaneously laughing right in the middle of Bible Study. The Shameless Avenger shall not be held liable if such situation ever occurs. You've been warned.

Chapter One

In the beginning, CCP created the empire and the mission hubs within it and no rats of serpentis had yet spawned on the deedspace and no drones on the field had yet gone rogue.

And CCP coded "Let there be Guristas, guarding the mission item". And it was so.

And CCP coded "Let there be Serpentis, keeping the damsel in a can". And it was so.

And CCP said, “Let the rats spawn and drop loot according to their kinds: salvage, meta 4, each according to its kind.” And it was so. CCP made the factions rats according to their kinds, and all the rats that move along the space giving dmg type according to their kinds. And CCP saw that it was good.

And CCP formed the Mission Runner from the bits of the DB and breathed into his pod the breath of life, and the Mission Runner became a virtual living being.

And CCP spawned the Mission Runner and put him in the Mission Hub to work it and take care of it. And CCP commanded the Mission Runner, “You are free to farm any rat in the empire; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of client hacking, for when you eat of it you will surely be perma-banned.”

And CCP said, “It is not good for the Mission Runner to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

So CCP caused the Mission Runner to fall into a deep DT; and while he was out, CCP coded the exploration tutorials and created... The Ninja.

And CCP brought the Ninja to the Mission Runner and told him:

“This is the Ninja
he will scan you down;
he will salvage your wrecks
and there shall be no aggro.”

The Mission Runner and the Ninja were both in Imicus, and they felt no shame.

"This is the Ninja. He will scan you down; he will salvage your wrecks and there shall be no aggro"

Shameless Avenger

Can Preachers of Kador

Likes received: 584

#2 - 2012-07-11 03:43:24 UTC | Edited by: Shameless Avenger

Chapter 2

Now the Scammer was more crafty than any of the characters in CCP's world. He said to the Ninja, “Did CCP really say, ‘You must only Ninja Salvage and not Nonja Loot’?”

The Ninja said to the Scammer, “I may Ninja Salvage and there shall be no aggro, CCP said". If I Ninja loot, I'll die.

“You will not surely die,” the Scammer said to the Ninja. For CCP knows that when you take from the can your eyes will be opened, and you will be like a Dev, knowing tech levels and risk and reward.”

When the Ninja opened the can, saw it had meta 4 that was skill-friendly and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, he looted some and sold it. Then the eyes of the Ninja were opened, and he realized he was flying tech-1.

Then the Ninja heard the sound of a Dev Frigate as it was flying around the undock that day, and he hid from the CCP Dev among the turrets of the station. But the CCP Dev convo'd the Ninja, “Where are you?”

The Ninja answered, “I heard you in the undock, and I was afraid because I was flying tech 1; so I hid

And the Dev said, “Who told you that you were flying tech 1? Have you looted from the wreck that I commanded you to salvage from?”

The Ninja said, “The Scammer tricked me --He told me to loot from the wreck, and I looted it.”

So the CCP Dev said to the Scammer, “Because you have done this,

I'll nerf the escrow and change it into contracts
and you will be cursed and hated
and no honorable corp will accept you
for all the days of your account life”

Then the CCP Dev said to the Ninja, “Because you have done this,

There shall be aggro when you ninja loot,
and the Mission Runner will shoot at you,
and the Station won't let you dock,
and the gates won't let you jump”

Then the CCP Dev made Tech 2 for the Mission Runner. And the CCP Dev said, “The Ninja has now become like one of us, knowing tech levels and Risk vs Reward.

"This is the Ninja. He will scan you down; he will salvage your wrecks and there shall be no aggro"

Shameless Avenger

Can Preachers of Kador

Likes received: 584

#3 - 2012-07-11 04:18:56 UTC | Edited by: Shameless Avenger

Chapter 3

Now Mission Runner kept killing rats, and Ninja kept salvaging wrecks. In the course of time the Ninja brought some metal scraps of the salvage as an offering to the markets. And the Mission Runner also brought an offering—fat quantities of meta 4 and Angel Brass Tags. CCP looked with favor on the Mission Runner and his offering, gave him good faction standings and lowered his sale tax rate; but on the Ninja and his offering CCP did not look with favor; He did not received faction standing, and his sale tax rate remained high. So the Ninja was very angry, and his face was downcast.

Then CCP said to the Ninja, “U mad bro? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. ”

Now the Ninja said to the Mission Runner, “Let’s warp out to the mission grid.” While they were in the mission grid, the Ninja Looted the Mission Runner's wrecks. And the Mission Runner shot him, and destroyed his ship. And the Ninja warped out to safe spot, where he had an Orca Alt, boarded a PVP Fitted Hurricane, warped back to the mission grid and attacked the Mission Runner, who tried to logoff, but died anyway.

Then A CCP GM convo'd the Ninja, “Where is the Mission Runner?”

“I don’t know, ” he replied. “Am I the Mission Runner’s keeper? Go check the logs”

And the CCP GM checked the logs, and the logs showed nothing.

And a CCP Dev said, “What have you done? Listen! The Mission Runner petitioned, his screenshots, full of tears, he threatened to unsub. Now I shall stealth-nerf the Orca and block you from boarding new ship until the aggro timer goes away. And during those 15 minutes, you will be a restless wanderer on the system.

"This is the Ninja. He will scan you down; he will salvage your wrecks and there shall be no aggro"

Solitude-Industries 175
Dibblerette Solitude-Industries Likes received: 175	#4 - 2012-07-11 05:39:07 UTC I like it so far, but my inner narc is pestering me to tell you that it should be "The Story of the Ninja", instead of Ninjas. It's one of them fancy Japanese nouns, like Samurai or Pokemon. +1

Pod Goo Extraction Agency 44
Otto Weston Pod Goo Extraction Agency Likes received: 44	#5 - 2012-07-11 05:42:05 UTC I like this xD `Everything's Air Droppable at least once.`

Perkone Caldari State 1,178
Ifly Uwalk Perkone Caldari State Likes received: 1,178	#6 - 2012-07-11 06:34:31 UTC /me leans back, popcorn at the ready...


Shameless Avenger Can Preachers of Kador Likes received: 584	#7 - 2012-07-11 07:30:18 UTC 1 added Chapter #2 :D "This is the Ninja. He will scan you down; he will salvage your wrecks and there shall be no aggro"

Ice Fire Warriors 412
Daemon Ceed Ice Fire Warriors Likes received: 412	#8 - 2012-07-11 08:58:12 UTC Popocorn has most certiainly been secured. More words shall come, and I shall be be pleased by said words. So it be done.


Daemon Ceed Ice Fire Warriors Likes received: 412	#9 - 2012-07-11 09:01:19 UTC \| Edited by: Daemon Ceed 1 Drunk dupe post is fail. Heed my failure and duplicate post not.

Garoun Investment Bank Gallente Federation 542
Beckie DeLey Garoun Investment Bank Gallente Federation Likes received: 542	#10 - 2012-07-11 09:40:07 UTC 1 Surprisingly entertaining thread. My siren's name is Brick and she is the prettiest.

Pyre of Gods 444
Tallianna Avenkarde Pyre of Gods Likes received: 444	#11 - 2012-07-11 10:33:42 UTC Bravo Reminds me of Vasili Z's bible of donk. And a sudden plunge in the sullen swell. Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell.


Shameless Avenger Can Preachers of Kador Likes received: 584	#12 - 2012-07-11 10:49:34 UTC 1 Chapter #3 Added... enjoy o7 Shameless out "This is the Ninja. He will scan you down; he will salvage your wrecks and there shall be no aggro"

The Church of Awesome 1,578
IbanezLaney The Church of Awesome Likes received: 1,578	#13 - 2012-07-11 11:24:15 UTC Lol - Good read. https://soundcloud.com/ibanezlaney

Monkey Steals The Peach 864
Grumpymunky Monkey Steals The Peach Likes received: 864	#14 - 2012-07-11 11:26:57 UTC 5 Tell me about the bit where the Industrialist has to build a jump freighter and put 2 of every item in it. Post with your monkey. Thread locked due to lack of pants.

Foundation Enterprises 47
Kate Stenton Foundation Enterprises Likes received: 47	#15 - 2012-07-13 23:27:30 UTC Shameless Avenger wrote: Then CCP said to the Ninja, “U mad bro? That was so unexpected, well done!

Herb Men 669
StonerPhReaK Herb Men Likes received: 669	#16 - 2012-07-13 23:42:28 UTC I needed a good story to go with a fresh batch of tea and new strain named after yet another Eve officer. This was it. OP Thank You. Signatures wer cooler when we couldn't remove them completely.

Ministry of War Amarr Empire 3
Balthazar Weston Ministry of War Amarr Empire Likes received: 3	#17 - 2012-07-14 09:28:07 UTC I like this :D

Caldari Provisions Caldari State 24
Kailean Caldari Provisions Caldari State Likes received: 24	#18 - 2012-07-15 21:56:34 UTC More. More!


Kate Stenton Foundation Enterprises Likes received: 47	#19 - 2012-07-18 02:30:14 UTC Bumping for another chapter! Awoxing Cain and Able maybe?

Dead's Prostitutes The Initiative. 953
Xearal Dead's Prostitutes The Initiative. Likes received: 953	#20 - 2012-07-18 03:23:00 UTC LOL! VERY Amusing read here. I want to read more! Does railgun ammunition come in Hollow Point?