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One EVE, One Vote, One Chairman: Why You Should Vote For The Mittani For CSM

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Author
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#1 - 2012-02-20 21:46:36 UTC  |  Edited by: Weaselior
Hello there. I’m Weaselior. You may remember me from the Gallente Ice Interdiction, explaining in detail about how you would be murdered if you showed up in a Gallente ice belt. Today, however, I am not here to tell you I plan to murder you. Instead, I’m here to tell you about a candidate for CSM; a candidate for the Chairman of the CSM. The Mittani, King of Space, is running for re-election to the CSM and I’m here to tell you why you should vote for him.

“But Weaselior,” you may cry, “why would I vote for a man who wants nothing more than to drop a brutix on me? Surely what I want in a CSM candidate is a man after my own heart, who wants nothing more than to mine all day! And why should I take advice on who to vote for from a man who wants nothing more than to drop a tornado on me and then blow my pod up with a thrasher?” I’ll tell you why: there is no candidate who values you more than The Mittani. Other candidates will make wild promises, about how they will promise you that mining will be fixed, mining bots scourged from EVE, and the like. They will also fill pages with wild screeds about how highsec will become a barren wasteland if The Mittani is allowed to have his way, painting a picture of a horrific dystopia where brutixes annihilate anyone who dares undock.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Just as the first conservationists were hunters, seeking to preserve the pristine wilderness and the animals within it, so they might from time to time stroll through that wilderness and shoot everything in sight. After all, it is rather a disappointment to wander through an empty field with enough firepower to equip a small regiment and not see even a single rabbit worth blasting to smithereens. So too, The Mittani values your health and welfare, and values the preservation of highsec as an idyllic wilderness where you can graze on veldspar to your heart’s content. Other candidates may claim they wish to improve mining, or make highsec more fun, or to scourge bots out of the belts. But really, what is their motivation to follow through? They’re not a credible voice to CCP – after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial interests. Nor do they have a real incentive – if elected, they’ll already have gained the only thing they sought, recognition. They will not have the vision to see what could be done – after all, they’ve experienced only a small slice of what EVE has to offer. Nor will they have the force of will to represent any ideas they have well: years in the asteroid belts fighting rocks that do not fight back does not produce the sort of forceful personality necessary to represent you.

How do you know The Mittani has your best interests at heart? Just like Teddy Roosevelt – hunter, meat-lover, conservationist – The Mittani values your continued existence. The Mittani realizes it is important to keep you, and your many friends, happily mining in belts because without you, there is no one to gank. And The Mittani values your tireless work in the belts and would like to encourage even more people to populate the belts. And, just like you, The Mittani hates the highsec mining bot. We understand your frustration when you are crowded out by bots. We too value people mining in the belts. A bot, after all, does not complain when they lose a ship. A bot will instantly warp out when ganked, avoiding having their pod cracked open like an egg. We share your desire for more profitable, more bot-free, and more fun mining: because we’d like you in the belts.

It is true that from time to time I, or The Mittani, may attempt to kill you. We may even do so repeatedly, on a massive scale. But really, this is as much in your interests as ours. Sure, the dumber people may continually wander into the interdicted ice fields with nary a concern in the world for why that rookie ship is beelining to them and where all those wrecks came from. But you, the educated highsec voter, are a cut above this common idiot. You have your day made more interesting: do you mine the forbidden ice, reaping greater profits at the risk of a tornado swooping in and making your ship vanish in a flash? Or do you kneel to the King of Space and avoid the forbidden ice? Either way, you have been given something new to react to and do.

You will hear much from candidates trying to play on your fears, to convince you to vote for them because they are the “anti-goon”. Left unsaid, of course, will be their qualifications and what they can do for you. They think you’re a fool, that you will be willing to send them on a free trip to Iceland merely by playing on your fears, knowing you’d never consider them a worthy candidate were you to carefully mull over your options.

The Mittani may spend countless hours mulling over the best way to kill you. He may even spend sums of isk that seem unimaginable to you just for the pleasure of blowing you up en masse. But goonswarm realizes that we cannot hunt the highsec miner to extinction. We are not the shortsighted hunters who see an unending field of buffalo and hunt them to extinction: we seek to maintain the harmony of highsec, with miners fat and plentiful so that the screams as brutixes rain from the sky every so often remain the beautiful melody we have all come to love. And it is that connection, those shared interests, that make The Mittani the candidate for you.

We can rise above those petty fools who seek to divide us for their own crude gains. We can prevent unqualified idiots from playing on your fears to gain status they have no right to. We are all in this together. We can all unite behind the Chairman for Life, King of Space, The Mittani.

One EVE, One Vote, One Chairman.

Vote Mittani in the upcoming CSM Election.

Head of the Goonswarm Economic Warfare Cabal Pubbie Management and Exploitation Division.

Kamteix
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#2 - 2012-02-20 21:48:11 UTC
Weaselior wrote:
King of Space, The Mittani.

One EVE, One Vote, One Chairman.


+1
Paragon Renegade
Sebiestor Tribe
#3 - 2012-02-20 21:50:10 UTC
Your ass must be jealous of all that **** your mouth shoots out

The pie is a tautology

Cipher Jones
The Thomas Edwards Taco Tuesday All Stars
#4 - 2012-02-20 21:51:03 UTC
Nothing in the world is more pathetic than a man giving another man a verbal blowjob.

internet spaceships

are serious business sir.

and don't forget it

Tippia
Sunshine and Lollipops
#5 - 2012-02-20 21:52:19 UTC
There's a much more simple reason: because the amount of tooth-gnashing it would generate is enough to keep dentists around the world employed for another generation or two.

Think of the dentists, people!
Lexmana
#6 - 2012-02-20 21:56:25 UTC
You just have to admire someone who can lead ... goons.
Haven't decided on my vote yet though.
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#7 - 2012-02-20 21:56:56 UTC
Cipher Jones wrote:
Nothing in the world is more pathetic than a man giving another man a verbal blowjob.

Ask yourselves, when you're choosing who to vote for: who do you wish to align yourself with? The Cipher Jones of the world, bitter, alone, and resentful, offering nothing but badposting when the hand of friendship is extended? Or do you wish to align yourselves with The Mittani, the King of Space, who is offering you a chance to participate in making highsec a better place to graze happily, with nary a bot to be seen?

Head of the Goonswarm Economic Warfare Cabal Pubbie Management and Exploitation Division.

Josef Djugashvilis
#8 - 2012-02-20 22:02:01 UTC
And I quote, "They’re not a credible voice to CCP – after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial "


Not that Mittens would ever allow such selfish, foul thoughts to sully his utilitarian mind.

This is not a signature.

Tarryn Nightstorm
Hellstar Towing and Recovery
#9 - 2012-02-20 22:05:31 UTC
Oh, **** off...RollUgh

Star Wars: the Old Republic may not be EVE. But I'll take the sound of dual blaster-pistols over "NURVV CLAOKING NAOW!!!11oneone!!" any day of the week.

Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#10 - 2012-02-20 22:06:38 UTC
Josef Djugashvilis wrote:
And I quote, "They’re not a credible voice to CCP – after all, it looks like they merely wish to pad their own wallets and advance their own parochial "


Not that Mittens would ever allow such selfish, foul thoughts to sully his utilitarian mind.


The Mittani, King of Space, is the best-known advocate for a technetium nerf. Technetium, for those who are unaware, currently produces approximately 718 billion isk per month for goonswarm, yet The Mittani has advocated for its nerf at every turn due to the poor effect it has had on game balance. The Mittani has had the chance to advocate for Goonswarm's financial interests at the expense of the game, and has not taken it. The Mittani is the only candidate who has passed such a test.

Head of the Goonswarm Economic Warfare Cabal Pubbie Management and Exploitation Division.

Corina Jarr
en Welle Shipping Inc.
#11 - 2012-02-20 22:11:15 UTC
Meh I'd rather spend my vote on those I like or hate, rather than those I don't care about one way or the other.
Lyrrashae
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#12 - 2012-02-20 22:11:47 UTC  |  Edited by: Lyrrashae
I don't think I've ever seen such un-shamed, vigourous verbal fellatio in my life Ugh

Come on, keep your peccadilloes reasonably discreet, will ya, we really don't need to know about it.Roll

Tarryn Nightstorm wrote:
Oh, **** off...RollUgh


^^And, this, too^^

Or maybe it should say, "suck off?"

Ni.

Ai Shun
#13 - 2012-02-20 22:22:32 UTC
I've been tempted by one candidate that proposed focussing on conflict in EVE; across all facets of the game. A close second would be for a candidate that actually plays EVE well; and I can't help but take my hat off to The Mittani for doing that very, very well.
Weaselior
GoonWaffe
Goonswarm Federation
#14 - 2012-02-20 22:53:47 UTC
Ai Shun wrote:
I've been tempted by one candidate that proposed focussing on conflict in EVE; across all facets of the game. A close second would be for a candidate that actually plays EVE well; and I can't help but take my hat off to The Mittani for doing that very, very well.

While I did not stress these aspects of The Mittani's qualifications since they seemed less relevant to the population of this forum, The Mittani has consistently promoted and advocated for conflict in EVE. The list of 0.0 regions that have not been invaded by Goonswarm at some point is extremely small.

Head of the Goonswarm Economic Warfare Cabal Pubbie Management and Exploitation Division.

Radelix Cisko
JUMP DRIVE ACTIVE
#15 - 2012-02-20 22:56:52 UTC
Well then The Mittani can come tell us himself instead of sending a messenger. I care not for your words, let me hear his.

Why yes i did just read the 1st line and go straight to reply

Despite my posting prowess I really am terrible at this game

Florestan Bronstein
Pandemic Horde Inc.
Pandemic Horde
#16 - 2012-02-20 23:09:09 UTC  |  Edited by: Florestan Bronstein
Cipher Jones wrote:
Nothing in the world is more pathetic than a man giving another man a verbal blowjob.

this reminds me of that awesome dbrb fanfiction I read a long time ago... Big smile

(a verbal blowjob under the cover of making fun of people who give verbal and non-verbal blowjobs)
Pollo Rico
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#17 - 2012-02-20 23:13:44 UTC
Weaselior wrote:
The Mittani, King of Space, is the best-known advocate for a technetium nerf. Technetium, for those who are unaware, currently produces approximately 718 billion isk per month for goonswarm, yet The Mittani has advocated for its nerf at every turn due to the poor effect it has had on game balance. The Mittani has had the chance to advocate for Goonswarm's financial interests at the expense of the game, and has not taken it. The Mittani is the only candidate who has passed such a test.


Pollo he approves. Pollo he wants to know where he can pick up Mittani mittens... Pollo, his hands get cold.

http://tinyurl.com/Pollo-Approves

ILikeMarkets
Royal Amarr Institute
Amarr Empire
#18 - 2012-02-20 23:15:29 UTC  |  Edited by: ILikeMarkets
lol why even bother posting a "Vote for Mittens" thread? The goons will vote for him. There are enough goons for him to win. Others might vote for him just to have someone to keep making fun of... but at the end of the day, this is really a moot point. Mittens WILL win because the goons WILL vote for him.

As the Justin Beiber of EVE, his Beleibers will keep him afloat.

Proof that capital ships are rare in EVE: http://imgur.com/gallery/jJJE1

Pollo Rico
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#19 - 2012-02-20 23:15:52 UTC
Radelix Cisko wrote:
Well then The Mittani can come tell us himself instead of sending a messenger. I care not for your words, let me hear his.

Why yes i did just read the 1st line and go straight to reply



Pollo, he not approve of your insubordination.

http://tinyurl.com/Pollo-Approves

Florestan Bronstein
Pandemic Horde Inc.
Pandemic Horde
#20 - 2012-02-20 23:17:44 UTC
ILikeMarkets wrote:
lol why even bother posting a "Vote for Mittens" thread?

(a) never stop posting
(b) you wrote a reply
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