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Crime & Punishment

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C&P Letters to Santa

Ralph King-Griffin
The Devil's Warrior Alliance
#1 - 2016-12-24 09:01:14 UTC
Dear Santa

It's a little late in the year but **** it I want stuff!
I definitely don't deserve it ,
I've been a bastard faced meeny to a lot of people this year with no plans to stop and I know where you live.
should I not receive something from you this year I'll come to your home and damn well take what I want,
set Omarr on your elf's and I'm absolutely certain mortlake will have some exceedingly unselteling notions twords Mrs Claus.

I'm not even sure what I want, just don't leave me hanging.

Yours sincerely

Ralph .
Zimmy Zeta
Caldari State
#2 - 2016-12-24 09:29:58 UTC  |  Edited by: Zimmy Zeta
Dear Santa,

my nan always told me you're only there for the good children, so I can see that we're probably going to have a problem here.
Since you are all-knowing, I'll be honest with you, no need to deny it: I haven't always been as good and well behaved as I was supposed to be.
So normally I'd wish for world peace, happines and icecream for everybody, but apparently that's not going to happen anymore.
So do what you must, unleash the Krampus.
Let him feast on the flesh of the unbelievers and strike terror into the hearts of the wicked.
Let him strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And they will know your name is the Lord when you lay your vengeance upon them.

yours sincerely,


I'd like to apologize for the poor quality of the post above and sincerely hope you didn't waste your time reading it. Yes, I do feel bad about it.

Faylee Freir
Brutor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#3 - 2016-12-24 09:52:47 UTC
Dear Santa,

I wish for the following:

- Hyperdunking nerf reverted
- Watchlist nerf reverted (f*** your log server)
- Free wardecs
- Jita to be a 0.5 sec system
- A 50 gallon barrel (so I have somewhere to store the tears from Reddit and the General Discussion sub-forum)

If I can only have one thing, it will have to be hyperdunking.

Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri
Dreamweb Industries
#4 - 2016-12-24 11:29:36 UTC
Dear Santa,

Thank you for visiting James 315's sovereign space again this year. I would like to remind you that, in order to transport any goods of value (including presents) through highsec, every highsec resident or visitor is required to have a valid mining permit. Please, confirm your legal status in highsec by renewing your permit. Otherwise, both your sleigh and reindeer shall be put at risk of being decommissioned by our Knights. As always, you can purchase your mining permit from any New Order Agent of your choice for only 10 million ISK per calendar year.

I wish you happy holidays and another happy Code-compliant year!

Yours in compliance,
Salah ad-Din al-Jawahiri, Knight of the New Order of Highsec

p.s. I don't need anything for Christmas, James 315 has given me all I need.

Agent of the New Order

Live by the Code - die by the Code.

The Voice of Highsec

Jonah Gravenstein
Machiavellian Space Bastards
#5 - 2016-12-24 11:55:33 UTC
Dear Santa,

Please kick the loot fairy where it hurts, she's been a right tightfisted cow-bag this year.

Sincerely JG

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

New Player FAQ

Feyd's Survival Pack

Somalian Coast Guard Authority
#6 - 2016-12-24 12:01:09 UTC
Dear Santa,

For Christmas I would like the following:

- One Klingon woman with thighs like a hippo.
- A family sized tub of goose fat.
- One hippo.
- One goose.
- A time machine to the 70s to ensure that a Mariachi band and animatronic dinosaurs are present at my conception.
- A time machine to come back to 2016/17 with the aforementioned band and dinosaurs.
- I'd also like Grandma back, I miss her. Though I suspect she's having too much fun playing Bingo with Zsa Zsa.
- I want a holographic simulation of William Shatner dressed as a baby fighting Patrick Stewart dressed as Gollum.
- I'd like the watchlist back.
- I want to be able to wear two monocles at once. Over Goggles.

I have been relatively good, and feel that I have offset any naughtiness by dispensing advice and replacing ships. On the karma scale I think I'm fairly neutral.

Thanks in advance,

Your pal,

Little Morty (aged for her pleasure)

Sometimes you hit the bar and sometimes the bar hits you...

Omar Alharazaad
Nefarious Porpoise
#7 - 2016-12-24 12:19:53 UTC
Dear Santa.

I want you to not comply with Ralph's demands.

mmmmmmm. Elves, the other other other white meat.

I await your defiance in turgid excitement.


Come hell or high water, this sick world will know I was here.

Mike Adoulin
Adolescent Radioactive Pirate Hamsters
#8 - 2016-12-24 17:27:49 UTC
Dear Santa;

As an Authentic Horror Of Science I demand the following:

One (1) self-cleaning hamster cage.

CONCORD loses its Happy Magic Funtime Gear and becomes a slightly more dangerous version of The Faction Police.

Speaking of Faction Police, get rid of them. They have worked hard and deserve a rich retirement. The fish are biting, you know.

Fix the bounty system. No, I have no ideas how, but yer Santa. Fix it.

Have the bloody Locator Agents tell us if our Special Friend is online or not.

I've been a very, very good hamster this year (compared to any Jita Scammer...) so please, at the very least, consider the self-cleaning cage......otherwise I'll have Red Frog haul all my trash to your Secret Starbase in Thera.

With snuggly loves, *squeak*

Everything in EVE is a trap.

And if it isn't, it's your job to make it a trap...:)

You want to know what immorality in EVE Online looks like? Look no further than Ripard "Jester" Teg.

Chribba is the Chuck Norris of EVE.

Wanda Fayne
#9 - 2016-12-24 18:12:36 UTC
Dear Santa,

I want to see what's behind the door.
Um, not the Green one, silly.

And shoes. Lots of shoes.


"your comments just confirms this whole idea is totally pathetic" -Lan Wang-

  • - "hub humping station gamey neutral logi warspam wankery" -Ralph King-Griffin-
Moon Moon Burdy
Devils Rejects 666
The Devil's Warrior Alliance
#10 - 2016-12-24 20:55:24 UTC
Dear Santa,

Remember that sense of motivation and purpose I once had?

I'd like that back, please.

Yes, that and a beer. Oh, and a Fedo. Maybe some chips (that's crisps for the Euro-folk in the room).

Oh and may my enemies yelp in confusion and fear upon the sounding of alarms for shield, armor, and structure.

Merry Ho Ho,


Things that went boom

Storytime with Moon Moon New stories semi frequently-ish!

Promising Young Murderer, Education Appreciated.

Herb Men
#11 - 2016-12-24 21:16:39 UTC
Dear Santa,

Post with your main or GTFO.

Signatures wer cooler when we couldn't remove them completely.

Toxic Yaken
Malevelon Roe Industries
#12 - 2016-12-25 06:00:53 UTC
Dear Santa,

For christmas I would like a toy firetruck, a hoola hoop, and a functional bounty system.

Also please fix the wine client for mac, I can't run two accounts even on max potato settings. Sad


Curator of the Wardec Project - Join our Discord to join the discussions about Wardecs

Morgan Agrivar
#13 - 2016-12-26 00:55:03 UTC
Dear Santa,

Yeah, I is me...again.

Look, I know we have not seen eye to eye every year but I blame it on the recycled pod air. I think the dock workers are trying to roofie me. Because when I am in the pod too long, I seem to...wait, what?

Ok, ok. Get back on track...I got it.

I have been good this yea...wait! Why are you laughing? SHUT UP! I HAVE BEEN GOOD, DAMN fat, wait. Zen, Morgan...zen. *deep breath*

Ok, seriously. I have tried to be good this year. It is everyone else. Honestly, it is them...not me!

You know miners, always wanting and wanting. Whining...sheesh, the whining. It is like when you hear not something right with your engines and they make this nois....huh?

You know...f**k it. You know where to put the carbon.



P.S. If I see your sleigh anywhere around me, I will gank it. Happy holidays! *\o/*
Remiel Pollard
Shock Treatment Ministries
#14 - 2016-12-26 04:04:22 UTC
Dear Santa,

If I see your sled in Kubinen, it's getting blown up just like everything else that ain't blue.


~ Remiel Pollard, Space Cowboy.

PS. Seriously dude, don't test me.


“Some capsuleers claim that ECM is 'dishonorable' and 'unfair'. Jam those ones first, and kill them last.” - Jirai 'Fatal' Laitanen, Pithum Nullifier Training Manual c. YC104