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The Bio's Of EvE - Downtime Reading :)

Author
Bio's Of EvE
Doomheim
#1 - 2013-10-25 16:26:17 UTC
Fellow Pilots of Eve,

I started playing this game almost ten years ago (just a few months till my birthday) and instantly fell in love with what has become, quite the serious business of internet spaceships.

Even back in the day, when on Sunday evenings, seven thousand pilots from all over the globe logged in together to try and wtf bbq each other the sense of community generated by the game was amazing. I was instantly hooked.

Fast forward six months (having joined my first pvp corp) and while being camped in Yuali (the old center of eve way before Jita took its hold on the markets), I started casually looking through our adversaries bio's.I have to say, we have a lot of very amusing guys playing this game.

Anyway to the point.

Over the past ten years, I have been collecting some of the amusing quotes found across your collective bio's and recorded them for posterity. I was going to self publish a book but decided you guys shouldn't have to pay to enjoy the collective humor of the game. I have often worried I would be beaten to the idea as you are a very inspired bunch at times.

If you enjoyed this, the first installment, please give me a like, lots more to follow if you guys enjoy the content. If we get a decent response I'll set up a web page dedicated to the subject. Small isk donations would be appreciated :)


So without further ado, I give you.......


The Bio's of EvE (Names have been removed to protect the not so innocent)
And in no particular order....



How's my Ganking ? Call 1-800OHNOES


"Sir, they have us surrounded!"
"Excellent! Then we can attack in any direction!"


Some people say the glass is half empty
Some people say the glass is half full
I say "That's not my glass! Mine was full........and it was BIGGER!"


"I believe in EvE karma, which means that whenever I do something shi**y to others, they somehow deserved it"


I can picture a world of peace, a world of brotherly love, a world of harmony. And I can picture attacking that world, cause they'd never f***in expect it!


Its always funny until someone gets blown up and then its just hilarious.


'I want to go to heaven for the weather, but hell for the company.'


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other human invention in history... ...with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.


Lays is comming out with a new flavor of chip....semen flavored... being labled as a diet chip cause 98 % of women will spit them out...


Ur lame you only can win when u no how many ships there are, no real tactics.
4 of ur guys feed u intel of ships types and the numbers then u find more pilots and use the right ships not very hard


incidentally, who is fc?
***** was until he got popped, then we ran around like headless chickens :-)


One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one moron or another. So, just shutup.


If you expect me to care, you are going to need kneepads


Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;
even if you win, you're still ********.


Stress - The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the life out of some fu**wit who desperately deserves it!


moms can jump though cynos? "uh sir, we got a fleet of milfs incoming"


I only have so much niceness in me... if I spread it any thinner it'll disappear


It is better to keep your mouth shut and have ppl think your an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt.


"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."


"You're the kind of people who would complain about the power of the queen if you played chess."


It's the person who can cheerfully accept
the madness of this world that is truly insane.


"Common sense is not so common."


Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football
4.5, and Playb*y 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my


Father was a shark and mother was a prostitute. Raised on fish and coke.


"You're living at a time of extremism, a time of revolution,
a time where there's got to be a change. People in power have misused it,
and now there has to be a change, and a better world has to be built,
and the only way it's going to be built is with extreme methods
and I for one will join with anyone, don't care what color you are
as long as you want to change this miserable condition that exists on this earth."
~~Malcolm X~~



E=MCSTFU




Bio's Of EvE
Doomheim
#2 - 2013-10-25 16:26:29 UTC  |  Edited by: Bio's Of EvE
No joke , I put on a "grown up" diper, stood in the shower and tried to c**p my self.... It cant be done for some reason. My sister was studying for a nurse...and she fealt bad for all the old people shi**ng them selfs all the time ...so she decided to try it out ....and as follows , so did I ....


I shagged a deaf and dumb girl last night... I felt a bit embarrassed about it this morning, so I broke her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone


A firbolg goes to the RnD agent, looking ill, and says "I really don't feel well, i am tired all the time, i dont know what to do? So the RnD agent says "Well, let me take a bit of your hull and i will send it off for tests" Next week the firbolg returns, still complaining of the same symptoms, and the agent has some bad news: "There is no easy way to say this... but you are HIV positive"The firbolg is shocked. "HIV!! I am a fighter! Not a lover! How can that possibly be?!" The RnD agent solemnly replies "I am sorry... but one of your parents must have been a carrier"


see wot happens when civilians run the show..... :P we all end up hugging fu**ng trees instead of cutting the fu**ers down making pointy sticks with em and shoving em up the enemy's arse's :P


What used to annoy me about church is all the standing up, sitting down and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and **** me!


You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough


weve got a tower webbed and scrammed, who said we couldn't pvp?!


Its all about makin em thing they have the upper hand , when they dont


Scrutt5 > i've been great lately, all about the plan
Scrutt5 > its the execution that sucks balls



If You're Happy And You Know It - Pod Amarr - if you cannot find Caldari, Pod Amarr - If the Minnie are too frisky, and Gallente look too shifty, (cause Jovians are too risky) Pod Amarr! <-- Too funny NOT to share :)


Amarr: God says I'm better than you, so just stop fighting back.
Caldari: I don't need a fast ship, I can hit you from here.
Minmatar: Hold on, as soon as I find something heavy, I'll kill you with it.
Gallente: Just wait 'til i get in range...



How to grief a contract scammer
Step 1 : Find a contract scammer.
Step 2 : Find a worthless item and prepare a contract where you give the scammer said item. Alternatively, you can make a freeform contract instead in which you put some collateral, just in case he's stupid enough to hit "Accept". DO NOT send the contract yet.
Step 3 : Prepare a Give Money screen where you give the scammer 0.1 ISK. DO NOT send the money yet.
Step 4 : Send the ISK and contract at the same time.
Result : The scammer's wallet will flash and so will his contract button, at the same time. He will be overjoyed at the thought that someone just accepted one of his scam contracts only to find that you just owned him badly. You win 1 internet.




03:04:42] chaotickmess > i want weed
[03:04:55] chaotickmess > my son smoked all mine
[03:05:03] Durris > kick him out immediately
[03:05:21] Durris > if he's old enough to smoke your weed he's old enough to make his way in the world
[03:05:25] chaotickmess > i tried but he still has roles


onyx, can you vacuum clean the back of ma cane with that osprey's nose?


There was a flash of light and my ship turned into what looks like an egg, Did I level up?


buy an eve t-shirt, so if i see you i can call you a noob!


ikea is like meta 3 items ... just so u can pretend u don't use T1 mods


it's a new way of playing eve ... NBDS = Not blue don't shoot it



" A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed 'to whom it may concern' "


"Expecting a pirate not to kill you in low sec because you think you are a nice person, is like expecting a bull will not charge you because you are a vegetarian"




(* *)
.._\_\__
(______)_
(________)_
(__________)_
(____________)==>

This is Snake, He travels. His mission is to control the rabbit population trying to take over the world, while avoiding the beer truck.



A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials



A Caldari and an Amarr are sitting at a table in a pub when a young boy walks past outside. "Wouldn't you love to screw him?" Asks the Amarr. "Out of what?" Asks the Caldari.



GM Guard > I must ask you not to use the petition option like this again but i personally would finish the chicken sandwich first so it won´t go to waste. The spaghetti will keep and you can use it the next time you get hungry. Best regards.



If I train up long distance jamming, do I become a reggae artist known throughout the galaxy?


A computer once beat me at chess. It was no match for me at kickboxing.



Most Pirates are like Michael Jackson, They moonwalk and molest miners a lot.



Worried about the quantum fluctuations due to your warp drive?
Thought about warp drive offsetting technology?
Do your part to improve the environment of new eden; for every 1 million isk donated we plan to plant enough Wheat to offset 10 warp jumps! Just think, of those poor minmatar slaves and Ex BOB members who suffer needlessly due to careless polution of our space-lanes. We all have to fly here, so do your part today, and make New Eden a safe and responsible place to live.



To err is human, to arr is pirate.


Carrier Star Faction Issue
Role Bonus: -90% Efficiency when used outside Docking Range of a Station



Everytime an idiot leaves EVE for WoW, the average intelligence of both populations will raise.


Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you DO criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.


Women - can't live with them............ the end.
Bio's Of EvE
Doomheim
#3 - 2013-10-25 16:26:38 UTC  |  Edited by: Bio's Of EvE
A NC pilot walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, "Hey where'd you get that?!"
The parrot replies, "In Tribute, they're all over the place there"



Q: A Morsus Mihi pilot, Razor pilot, and Mostly Harmless pilot start flying towards the sun from the same point at the same speed. Who wins?
A: All of EVe


rl has awesome graphics,but the story sucks


Theories pass, the frog remains.



I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy....


Don't panic. He's a trash-culture king on a four-color throne



Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone renounced violence forever? I could then conquer the whole stupid planet with just a butter knife.


reality.sys corrupted. universe halted. reboot (y/n)?



I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.Only I will remain.


Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.


In my humble experience, there is a discernible pattern to how highsec miners react to inconveniences like this.

1. Make liberal use of profanity and ad hominems. Call into question your attacker's sexual orientation, maturity, and financial security. Accuse them of being sociopaths.
2. Make empty threats of revenge in-game (and, if you're particularly unbalanced, in Real Life). Tell them about the powerful lowsec/nullsec friends that you don't actually have.
3. Sulk off and return to mining - don't actually follow through with any of your threats, remember your own impotence. Doom yourself to repeat this unfortunate pattern of behavior.


I prefer not being called an alcoholic. I'm just a drunk. Alcoholics goes to meetings.


The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


My life consits of eve and afk



get a life?
I'm a gamer, i have hundreds of lives.



If you watch Terminator 2 backwards it's about this pool of molten steel that creates two robots who must try and repair each other so they can get naked and go back to the future.



If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


"Sit your five-dollar ass down before I make change."


Taking the the out of psycoptherapist


A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an as*hole, his bestfriend is a pu*sy and his owner beats him.


The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensiy



"Give a man a fish, he'll be fed for a day. Give a man a fishing rod and he'll break it up for firewood... or swap it for a fish."


hehe accellerated ejection bay doesnt sound like an offensive sub-system ... sound like an "Oh **it we're gunna crash!" sub-system


i was like... hmmm.. my shield is going down pretty fast... huh that occator equiped ecm......? and damps.... and webs.... AND scrams!? ....and is applying quite alot of dps ...and then i realised i wasnt in Lowsec anymore.



"All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred,
comes invariably from people who are not fighting."
George Orwell



If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- How young can you die of old age?
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- The other day I ... uh, no, that wasn't me.


When I was your age, I didn't go backpacking around Europe, I bombed the s**it out of it!



What's the difference between a civil engineer and an aerospace engineer?
Aerospace engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets!!



some people are alive...
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT'S
AGAINST THE LAW
TO KILL THEM.



A key that can open many locks is called a master key, but a lock that can be opened by many keys is a s**tty lock



i was so poor growing up .....if i wasn't a boy ...i'd have nothing to play with!



Just been telling my mate how I'm dreading taking my wife to the work's do tonight, as after a few drinks, she starts throwing her weight around. "What, like starting fights and that?" he asked.
"No" I replied.
"She starts dancing...




You know you live in 2012 when..

1.)You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.)You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.)The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name.

4.)You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

6.)Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.)You read this list, &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp; keep nodding and smiling.

8.)As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.)And you were too busy to notice number 5

10.)You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.

11.)And now you're laughing at your stupidity.




the refit mid fight was gay
STU MINER > tactical ;)
but gay none the less :P
STU MINER > meh if gay gets the job done gimme a rainbow


I extract the "the" in Psycotherapist.


Afterall, you can't spell "Slaughter" without "Laughter"!




Hope you enjoyed what is a fraction of the bio quotes I have for you all to read over the coming months.
Bio
Ramona McCandless
The McCandless Clan
#4 - 2013-10-25 16:28:11 UTC  |  Edited by: Ramona McCandless
Bio's Of EvE wrote:
Reserved

IB4L

"Yea, some dude came in and was normal for first couple months, so I gave him director." - Sean Dunaway

"A singular character could be hired to penetrate another corps space... using gorilla like tactics..." - Chane Morgann

Mra Rednu
Totally Into Spaceships
#5 - 2013-10-25 16:32:15 UTC
Reserved.
Erotica 1
Krypteia Operations
#6 - 2013-10-25 16:35:28 UTC
CCP quotes are often the funniest. Can we get a post of those please.

See Bio for isk doubling rules. If you didn't read bio, chances are you funded those who did.

ShahFluffers
Ice Fire Warriors
#7 - 2013-10-25 16:42:34 UTC  |  Edited by: ShahFluffers
I like the Girlfriend 1.0 quote. :D

My favorite quote:

"At best, EVE is like speeding around in a stolen Pinto... vintage cannonball cannon ducttaped to the roof... your arm around the shoulders of a dead hooker... and 20 guys armed with frying pans chasing you down on vespas. At worst... it's EXCEL spreadsheets in space."
~ Unknown
Hra Neuvosto
FinFleet
Northern Coalition.
#8 - 2013-10-25 16:44:53 UTC
This post for sale, please contact via evemail.
Tippia
Sunshine and Lollipops
#9 - 2013-10-25 16:47:15 UTC
Your title (and name) makes no sense.

The bio is of EvE what?! Ugh
Ramona McCandless
The McCandless Clan
#10 - 2013-10-25 16:48:49 UTC  |  Edited by: Ramona McCandless
Tippia wrote:
Your title (and name) makes no sense.

The bio is of EvE what?! Ugh


Bio's

as in the "of EvE" is owned by Bio

or

Bio is of EvE


AGAGAGAGAHHHHHAHAHHH


*splurt*

"Yea, some dude came in and was normal for first couple months, so I gave him director." - Sean Dunaway

"A singular character could be hired to penetrate another corps space... using gorilla like tactics..." - Chane Morgann

Azami Nevinyrall
172.0.0.1
#11 - 2013-10-25 17:02:54 UTC
Let me quote my own bio...

"God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time..."

...

Solstice Project
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#12 - 2013-10-25 17:04:19 UTC
Awesome!
Thanks! :D
Commander Spurty
#13 - 2013-10-25 17:24:27 UTC
Someone call?

There are good ships,

And wood ships,

And ships that sail the sea

But the best ships are Spaceships

Built by CCP

Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#14 - 2013-10-25 17:26:04 UTC
I think one of my favorites had to be:

Im going to take you out to dinner show you a good time before I pod you on the undock. Im putting the sensual back in non-consensual PvP.


Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Bischopt
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#15 - 2013-10-25 18:36:56 UTC
I cannot find the person whose bio this was in, so this isn't a word-to-word quote:

"Eve is best described by entering a dark room where a man kicks you in the groin as hard as he can, feeling no remorse nor joy from doing so."

It's just the best bio I've ever seen.
destiny2
A Blessed Bean
Pandemic Horde
#16 - 2013-10-25 18:51:19 UTC  |  Edited by: destiny2
Minmatar shpis don't die, they just split into smaller minmatar ships when they take enough damage!

"Day 33 the vindicators still dont realize I'm a navy megathron"

"Long point on a Rapier who the f*ck uses a long point on a Rapier?"

14:44:16 Notify Your cloaking systems are unable to activate due to your ship being within 2000 meters of the nearby Cruise Missile. Crap...

"Flying a minmatar ship is like rolling down a flight of stairs in a wheelchair while firing two uzis and screaming."

of all things remember BEER solves all evils and makes ugly women available


BEER is the answer,I just don't remember the question

Missed one,

Reading what Goons say in Local is like listening to a JustinBeiber Interview.
Galen Darksmith
Sky Fighters
Rote Kapelle
#17 - 2013-10-25 18:54:39 UTC
I can't wait to read more of these, had me chuckling all the way through.

"EVE is a dark and harsh world, you're supposed to feel a bit worried and slightly angry when you log in, you're not supposed to feel like you're logging in to a happy, happy, fluffy, fluffy lala land filled with fun and adventures, that's what hello kitty online is for." -CCP Wrangler

Zimmy Zeta
Perkone
Caldari State
#18 - 2013-10-25 19:08:35 UTC
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:
I think one of my favorites had to be:

Im going to take you out to dinner show you a good time before I pod you on the undock. Im putting the sensual back in non-consensual PvP.




If I remember correctly that was Klapen, or at least I think he used to have a sig like this.

I'd like to apologize for the poor quality of the post above and sincerely hope you didn't waste your time reading it. Yes, I do feel bad about it.

Lugia3
Lazerhawks
L A Z E R H A W K S
#19 - 2013-10-25 21:48:38 UTC
Erotica 1 wrote:
CCP quotes are often the funniest. Can we get a post of those please.


"QQ threads are only allowed in the Out of Pod Experience forum." - ISD Cura Ursus

"CCP Dolan is full of shit." - CCP Bettik

Groovy McGroover
Doomheim
#20 - 2013-10-26 01:51:09 UTC
Very amusing +1
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