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Confessions of a Work Place Pooper

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Author
Riedle
Brutor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#1 - 2012-05-24 19:29:26 UTC  |  Edited by: Riedle
Inexplicably the timing of my bowel movements has changed. It changed to mid-morning earlier this week and in fact I just finished today's session about 5 minutes ago. I write this now as I want the experience to be fresh in my mind as I attempt to put words to the revealing, horrifying situation that I just went through.

Immediately after finishing my morning conference call - I knew I had battled the urge for too long. As soon as I hung up I gathered myself and headed to the rest room. As always I hoped for a fresh rest room, free from co-workers or other users. I opened the door and there was one person busily washing their hands, I had just enough space and time to steal into the stall unseen. Luckily the wheel chair accessible stall was available and I made use of it as there were no wheel chairs in sight.

I settled down and was running through the usual bathroom thoughts, what I had to do when I got back to my desk. Would the hand washer be gone quickly? Would any other co-workers come to disturb my peace?

The aforementioned handwasher left and I felt myself relax. The tension that you didn't know was there was dissapating. Alas, my peace was not to last. An interloper soon entered the washroom and settled in the inferior, standard stall next to my comparatively luxurious accomodations. I smirked a wry smile knowing that I had won at least one battle on this day.

Immediately my mind turned to my pooping partners pooping habits. Was he a slow pooper or fast? Could I find any evidence? Was there the tell-tale rustle of a newspaper indicating the quiet wisdom of a seasoned pooper who is able to sneak in the local section of the paper unseen from others? I doubted it as my experience had shown me that few had the patience and risk tolerance to do so anymore. Shaking my head at the direction of society I then listened for the click of the QWERTY on a blackberry. No such sound to be heard.

Evidence was quickly pointing towards my pooping partner being an efficient chap. My personal workplace pooping ethics involves not making eye contact with any other bathroom user after I am done extricating my bowels. I will go, and have gone to, great lengths to make sure that the game remains as annonymous as possible. In my personal workplace pooping rules - one does not exit the stall at the same time as another pooper. It avoids all sorts of awkward glances & horrifying apres poop small talk. I believe in preserving the quiet solitude of the pooping process. This must be observed if at all possible. Over the years I have noticed workplace society taking less pains to hiding their at work defacation from others and again, I worry about my childrens future in a society heading in this direction. I will and have remained stoic in my quiet quest to preserve the work place pooping peace.

As these thoughts were cycling through my mind, as is my, and I suspect others, inclination I glanced under the stall partition at where my pooping partners shoes should be and I will never forget what I saw next.

SOCKS! My pooping partner hadn't even bothered to put shoes on to go to the mens washroom! Horrified, my mind began to process this information. In order to gain entry to my preferred pooping station one must not just walk down an aisle in the office. You need to actually leave the office and, while carpeted, the next 60 feet to the washroom is common area like one would see in a retail environment. There is no doubt this is a shoes-only area.

Not only had my pooping partner flaunted this workplace convention they had also chosen to continue on to the tiled, public, mens washroom.
Flaberghasted, I wondered who this rules flaunter was.. As disturbed as I was by these turn of events it was still more of a curiosity, in my mind, the identity of my pooping partner.

What happened next turned my pooping partners identity from curiosity to must know.

Long, Loud, mouth wide-open groans..

I could barely contain the shock that I was experiencing. Who was this rules flaunter? Who could do this? My pooping partner had to know I was there doing my biological deed - in fact there was another at the urinal as well. I knew that the person relieving themselves at the urinal was as equally shocked as I was. I wondered if they also knew that the groaner was not wearing shoes? Could the urinal user think the groaning was coming from me? I could not, no, I would not have someone think that this primal groaning was emanating from me. I now had a dilemma of timing.

I was determined to flaunt my rigid rules on workplace pooping. I was going to find out who this shoeless, groaning intruder was but I could not expose my identity to the urinal user lest the groans, if not the shoelessness, be wrongly attributed to me.

This was going to require precise timing. I could not control the timing of the urinal user or the monster in the stall next to me. All I could do was take care of my own business and be prepared for my moment of discovery. I pushed. I pushed hard.

The reader needs to understand that in addition to rigid workplace pooping ethics I am also given to relaxing whilst pooping. Wether at home or at work my philosophy was to also take one's time while pooping.

My parents, a product of their time, taught me little on the topics of biology of pooping or other things that the coming of age requires. My beloved mother's 'talk' about sexual awakening consisted of leaving a mini-booklet on my dresser entitled 'Necking and Petting' by Ann Landers when I was 17.

Needless to say, I was starved of information in that and other biological areas.

My fathers advice on biology consisted of exactly two things:
1) A Red Brown quote "Don't wash your whole bum, just wash your 'bum hole"
2) No matter how hurried you feel, take your time pooping'.

cont'd
Riedle
Brutor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#2 - 2012-05-24 19:29:52 UTC
These scant pieces of advice were taken as gospel, not through their apparent wisdom, but, on reflection, due to the derth of knowledge handed to me on these subjects.
Nevertheless, they became rigid orthodoxy that I follow to this day.

Orthodoxy that I was about to flaunt. Circumstances demanded it and I think that any reasonable person would do the same.

The Rule Breaker must be unmasked.

I pooped like I hadn't pooped in a long time. I was nervous, excited and anxious that my bowels may not cooperate with the situation that only my brain was aware. Would my bowels cooperate? Would I get to the end in time? I remember thinking that even if I couldn't get to the natural end of my movement that even moving to a pause, a break, in the movement would be sufficient for I was determined to complete my mission. Luckily my bowels were cooperating. They seemed to be in tune, maybe even aware of, the situation at hand. The waste was removed efficiently and then I became aware of more good news.

The urinal user was now at the sink. The water was running and it seemed that the haunting scenario of my being identified as the groaning pooper was not to come to pass. Ok, worse case scenario avoided I thought. As the urinal user was making his exit I looked again over to my socked footed foe. What pooping stage were they at? I knew I was in a race and was determined not to lose.

I was finished and none too fast. The shoeless wonder was reeling off the one ply just before I was. I hurriedly rolled off about 25 feet of workplace a$$wipe and finished up. Pants up. Belt on. OMG They were standing!!?! I felt like I burst from the stall and raced for the sink. I was prepared to take my time but had no worry as the offender, blissfully unaware of my internal struggle, sauntered out of his soiled stall like they were coming up to the checkout counter at the local Sobey's.

The offender was identified. The offender was someone I knew. The offender was someone I work with. The offender is from the same contracting company as I am. I know the offender quite well.

The offender has been judged.

As I relay this story to you I wonder if the shoeless, groaning workplace pooping rules flaunter saw the horrer on my face? Did they see the disgusting revulsion on my furrowed brow? Did they see the shocked awe in my eyes as I glanced a confirmation look at his shoeless feet? Did he feel my contempt?

Only he knows for sure.
Vulix
Doomheim
#3 - 2012-05-24 19:44:50 UTC
A+ would read again, funny as sh!t (GET IT? LOL)
Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#4 - 2012-05-24 20:04:23 UTC
You should get in touch with this guy to talk about bathroom etiquette. I'm sure you 2 would have a wonderful exchange of ideas

"Little ginger moron" ~David Hasselhoff 

Want to see what Surf is training or how little isk Surf has?  http://eveboard.com/pilot/Surfin%27s_PlunderBunny

Renturu
In Glorium et Decorum
#5 - 2012-05-25 06:02:31 UTC
Two likes for you sir. I too am a workplace pooper. I work nights so my "movements" have, er... "moved" with my schedule. Good read.

By the orders of PlunderBunny: ☻/ /▌ / \ This is Bob, post him into your forum sig and help him conquer the forums.

Jett0
The Two and Only
#6 - 2012-05-25 10:27:37 UTC
Do the world a favor and publish a novel on Amazon. Do not selfishly withhold these epiphanies.

Occasionally plays sober

GM Arcade
Game Masters
C C P Alliance
#7 - 2012-05-25 10:54:44 UTC
Spent five minutes reading this and a few minutes of quiet reflection.

Lead GM Arcade | Customer Support Manager

DeBingJos
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#8 - 2012-05-25 11:47:00 UTC
GM Arcade wrote:
Spent five minutes reading this and a few minutes of quiet reflection.

^ this

Good read.

Ungi maðurinn þekkir reglurnar, en gamli maðurinn þekkir undantekningarnar. The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.

Domer Pyle
Night Shift Cowboys of Eve
Care Factor
#9 - 2012-05-25 12:30:51 UTC
Surfin's PlunderBunny wrote:
You should get in touch with this guy to talk about bathroom etiquette. I'm sure you 2 would have a wonderful exchange of ideas


why, hello copypasta. been a while since i've read that one.

also, good post, OP. i lolled.

"Imagine if the bars to your prison were all you had ever known. Then one day, someone appears and unlocks the door. If they have the power to do this, then are they really the liberator? You never remembered who it was that closed you in." - Ior Labron

TheButcherPete
Blackbase Incorporated
#10 - 2012-05-25 15:06:24 UTC
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D
This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.

[b]THE KING OF EVE RADIO

If EVE is real, does that mean all of us are RMTrs?[/b]

Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#11 - 2012-05-25 16:07:11 UTC
TheButcherPete wrote:
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D
This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.


Prude P

"Little ginger moron" ~David Hasselhoff 

Want to see what Surf is training or how little isk Surf has?  http://eveboard.com/pilot/Surfin%27s_PlunderBunny

SGX Saint
Ama's Trade Corporation
#12 - 2012-05-25 18:30:11 UTC
Brilliant - A+ mate LolLolLol
jason hill
Caldari Provisions
Caldari State
#13 - 2012-05-25 18:35:30 UTC
ahhhh nowt wrong with a good stiff sh!t
THE L0CK
Denying You Access
#14 - 2012-05-25 19:10:28 UTC
TheButcherPete wrote:
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D
This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.



What do you do when there is no warning?

Do you smell what the Lock's cooking?

Surfin's PlunderBunny
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#15 - 2012-05-25 19:46:33 UTC
THE L0CK wrote:
TheButcherPete wrote:
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D
This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.



What do you do when there is no warning?


He carries a bukkit

"Little ginger moron" ~David Hasselhoff 

Want to see what Surf is training or how little isk Surf has?  http://eveboard.com/pilot/Surfin%27s_PlunderBunny

Renturu
In Glorium et Decorum
#16 - 2012-05-26 03:52:47 UTC
Surfin's PlunderBunny wrote:
THE L0CK wrote:
TheButcherPete wrote:
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D
This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.



What do you do when there is no warning?


He carries a bukkit


Like This?

By the orders of PlunderBunny: ☻/ /▌ / \ This is Bob, post him into your forum sig and help him conquer the forums.

leviticus ander
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#17 - 2012-05-26 08:06:40 UTC
TheButcherPete wrote:
omfg LOOOOOOOOOL :D
This is why I only poop at home, and nowhere else.

kind of similar, I will go if I need to. but at the collage I'm going to, in one of the buildings, they have 6 single user bathrooms. in the main building though, there's normal washrooms.
in the normal mens washrooms, the urinals line up awkwardly with the rather large crack between the door and the stall wall of the handicapped stall, so that if you're in there and someone goes to the urinals, you can see each other quite well. for this reason, I use the smaller stall when I need to.
one short story I have of these bathrooms is that one day, I went to the washroom during a break, when I walk in there's one of the instructors, standing at a urinal, with his hands behind his head, singing Oh Canada. I quietly left before (I think) he noticed me.
Mahmukt
Paradox Collective
#18 - 2012-05-26 08:59:40 UTC
Brilliant !!ShockedLolLolLolLol
alittlebirdy
All Hail The Liopleurodon
#19 - 2012-05-26 16:23:22 UTC
GM Arcade wrote:
Spent five minutes reading this and a few minutes of quiet reflection.


Thats how many petitions you could have answered?

Mohr Cowbell
Brutor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#20 - 2012-05-26 21:14:07 UTC  |  Edited by: Mohr Cowbell
You had me at

Riedle wrote:
Inexplicably the timing of my bowel movements has changed.
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