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Intergalactic Summit

 
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TL;DR April 19th, YC118
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Jason Galente
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#1 - 2016-04-19 10:59:44 UTC  |  Edited by: Jason Galente
To revive a wonderful thing from the old IGS back in YC113 by Kazzzi, I decided to restart the weekly TL;DR. Each week I will be bringing you the short version of only the finest weekly news that even Muck Raker wouldn't print. On a Tuesday, because **** you.

War and Damage Control

Goons are getting shitrocked across New Eden and are adopting new fleet protocols in response to the threat. When questioned about the status of the war (and the handsome and valiant badgers who oppose the Imperium), Sion Kumitomo, spokesperson for the now gagged and straightjacketed Mittani stated, "They are trapped everywhere in the Imperium. They are not near Saranen." Scarcely had Sion finished this sentence before an Imperium stealth bomber fleet warped into system and accidentallied its own fleet commander, the indomitable and undying Sword of the Emperor.

Very Effective Assemblies That Definitely Enact Positive Change

The Villore Assembly has been announced. Capsuleers will say things, and then these things will be said at the Gallente Senate, maybe. In anticipation of the assembly, the Jita price for lengths of rope, stools, document shredders and earplugs have all risen by 300%.

Cuisine and Medical Expenses

I tried Jin-Mei food this week. I didn't get a horrible stomach parasite.

Grudges from high school

Billy still owes me 5 ISK.

Technical Glitch: Cloning Bay-Induced Autism

Deep in the Imperium space that we haven't pillaged yet, Goon scientists are reporting a problem with their cloning bays, causing oddities with the new Goons coming fresh from a podding in the war. Goons are returning to consciousness seeming to lack the use of language, save for an unusual proficiency at spamming local system channels with harmonies of "blap toot". The fix is, as of yet, unknown.

Sports and Entertainment

Diana Kim entered a wet t-shirt contest. There were no survivors.


Revision: Autocorrect changed Gallente Senate to "gallant", a most inaccurate framing.
Second Revision: I forgot to actually fix the thing mentioned in the first revision.
Third Revision (goddamnit, I need an editor): Kazzzi posted this cancer back in YC113, not YC114.
Fourth Revision: Breaking new stories!

Only the liberty of the individual assures the prosperity of the whole. And this foundation must be defended.

At any cost
Jason Galente
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#2 - 2016-04-19 19:08:46 UTC
Breaking new story! Diana Kim enters wet t-shirt contest with 4" reach advantage. See above for details.

Only the liberty of the individual assures the prosperity of the whole. And this foundation must be defended.

At any cost
Claudia Osyn
Non-Hostile Target
Wild Geese.
#3 - 2016-04-19 19:14:54 UTC
Damnit, Kimmy.

A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
Karina Ivanovich
Republic Military School
Minmatar Republic
#4 - 2016-04-19 19:51:19 UTC
If I recall correctly, this is not the first time Ms. Kim has done this...

Some call me insane. If the universe is sane, then I embrace that label.
Lyris Nairn
Perkone
Caldari State
#5 - 2016-04-20 00:09:21 UTC
More of this.

Sky Captain of Your Heart

Reddit: lyris_nairn Skype: lyris.nairn Twitter: @lyris_nairn
Rinai Vero
Blades of Liberty
#6 - 2016-04-20 02:14:12 UTC
You forgot to mention that prices for hot air have cratered due to an unprecedented glut of excess supply.
Jason Galente
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#7 - 2016-04-20 02:27:32 UTC
Lyris Nairn wrote:
More of this.


Every week, love.

Only the liberty of the individual assures the prosperity of the whole. And this foundation must be defended.

At any cost
Arista Shahni
Ministry of War
Amarr Empire
#8 - 2016-04-21 13:20:24 UTC  |  Edited by: Arista Shahni
I was expecting the addendum in regards to parasites - the ones you can get from Jin-Mei food don't start their lifecycle in the stomach, you know...

Gastroenterological tract, sure ... but...

.. nevermind. I'm sure you're just fine.

"I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you - so the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.  And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree, so the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all."
Karina Ivanovich
Republic Military School
Minmatar Republic
#9 - 2016-04-21 14:13:59 UTC
Arista Shahni wrote:
I was expecting the addendum in regards to parasites - the ones you can get from Jin-Mei food don't start their lifecycle in the stomach, you know...

Gastroenterological tract, sure ... but...

.. nevermind. I'm sure you're just fine.


I sure hope so.... Well, I guess we will find out in a day or so.

Some call me insane. If the universe is sane, then I embrace that label.
Arista Shahni
Ministry of War
Amarr Empire
#10 - 2016-04-21 17:05:44 UTC
Karina Ivanovich wrote:
Arista Shahni wrote:
I was expecting the addendum in regards to parasites - the ones you can get from Jin-Mei food don't start their lifecycle in the stomach, you know...

Gastroenterological tract, sure ... but...

.. nevermind. I'm sure you're just fine.


I sure hope so.... Well, I guess we will find out in a day or so.


...watch for itching ...

You'll know the correct itch location, I am sure.

"I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you - so the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.  And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree, so the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all."
Diana Kim
State Protectorate
Caldari State
#11 - 2016-04-22 10:10:28 UTC
I would like to note though that I have been challenged to the contest but it didn't happen yet.

Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.

In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.
Jason Galente
University of Caille
Gallente Federation
#12 - 2016-04-22 10:17:41 UTC
Diana Kim wrote:
I would like to note though that I have been challenged to the contest but it didn't happen yet.


Shhhhhh.

Only the liberty of the individual assures the prosperity of the whole. And this foundation must be defended.

At any cost
Diana Kim
State Protectorate
Caldari State
#13 - 2016-04-22 10:27:28 UTC
I'll try to accelerate events though.
It annoys me that I have still an open challenge. My honor shall be defended even if I will die in this contest... or everyone around will die.

Honored are the dead, for their legacy guides us.

In memory of Tibus Heth, Caldari State Executor YC110-115, Hero and Patriot.