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Star Wars Episode VII: May the WTF?!?!?! be with you..

Author
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#1 - 2014-07-21 21:38:46 UTC
Quote:
According to Badass Digest , the new movie will begin with Daisy Ridley and John Boyega 's characters discovering Luke Skywalker's severed hand 30 years after Return of the Jedi ends. The duo then team up with Han Solo and Chewbacca to track down the vanquished Jedi master.


Quote:
Imagine the standard Star Wars crawl, and when it ends the camera pans up to the stars. But instead of a spaceship zooming into frame we see... a hand! A severed hand, tumbling through space. A severed hand gripping a light saber.

That hand falls onto a desert planet, where it is discovered by characters who will be our heroes. One is Daisy Ridley. The other is John Boyega, who is playing someone trying to change his path in life (again, I'm keeping it vague here). They recognize the light saber as a Jedi relic and decide to return it to the proper people.

Their quest takes them off world, and they meet up with Han Solo and Chewbacca, who aren't flying around in the Millenium Falcon anymore but are piloting... well, that could be a spoiler. I'll leave it. Anyway, Han and Chewie recognize the light saber as Luke's, and they say they haven't seen their friend in thirty years, since the events of Return of the Jedi.

So begins a quest to find the missing Jedi Master. Meanwhile, on an ice planet, nefarious forces are building a super weapon, one capable of destroying not planets but entire solar systems...


Well, here is a space desiccated and atmospheric re-entry charred hand, gripping a lightsaber. Better raid the old folks home for some tour guides and go on a 3 episode adventure to save the universe because its owner might want it back. The hand that is.. because im sure the lightsaber is useless now.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#2 - 2014-07-21 22:17:25 UTC
what, so he lost his other hand as well? or did theye find the one that got severed by his daddy?
baltec1
Bat Country
Pandemic Horde
#3 - 2014-07-21 22:32:02 UTC
Mudkest wrote:
what, so he lost his other hand as well? or did theye find the one that got severed by his daddy?


Plot twist, it was his foot all along.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#4 - 2014-07-21 22:34:56 UTC
Mudkest wrote:
what, so he lost his other hand as well? or did theye find the one that got severed by his daddy?


Well.. technically he lost that one down the doughnut hole in the Bespin Mining Colony.. which for some reason is all the architectural rage in the SW universe... anyways, then were pretty sure it dropped out of one of those garbage hole things that they strategically placed above some communications gear.. so.. yeah.. I cant see JJ abrams writing a script about a 34 year old severed hand.. but hey.. I guess weve experienced worse writing.

..and if he lost his other hand as well.. hmmm..

Technologically advanced societies, interstellar travel, insanely short distanced kessel runs in freighters, cloned armies... no one thought to develop the "light-saber proof" glove... seriously.. WTF.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Nose' Feliciano
#5 - 2014-07-21 22:54:05 UTC  |  Edited by: Nose' Feliciano
...and just when the prequels couldnt make SW any worse. Sad

Edit; Daisy and John? What kind of star-warsy sci-fi names are those?
Krixtal Icefluxor
INLAND EMPIRE Galactic
#6 - 2014-07-21 22:56:57 UTC
I'm gonna remain highly skeptical of that article.

We shall see............

"He has mounted his hind-legs, and blown crass vapidities through the bowel of his neck."  - Ambrose Bierce on Oscar Wilde's Lecture in San Francisco 1882

baltec1
Bat Country
Pandemic Horde
#7 - 2014-07-21 23:06:26 UTC
Nose' Feliciano wrote:
...and just when the prequels couldnt make SW any worse. Sad

Edit; Daisy and John? What kind of star-warsy sci-fi names are those?


Micky pulled some strigs for his girl.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#8 - 2014-07-21 23:17:02 UTC
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:
I'm gonna remain highly skeptical of that article.

We shall see............


I find your lack of faith in Badass Digest to be disturbing...

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Nose' Feliciano
#9 - 2014-07-21 23:59:33 UTC
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:
I'm gonna remain highly skeptical of that article.

We shall see............


I find your lack of faith in Badass Digest to be disturbing...


*waves hand * - like he's dispersing a jedi fart.
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#10 - 2014-07-22 00:04:35 UTC
Nose' Feliciano wrote:
Unsuccessful At Everything wrote:
Krixtal Icefluxor wrote:
I'm gonna remain highly skeptical of that article.

We shall see............


I find your lack of faith in Badass Digest to be disturbing...


*waves hand * - like he's dispersing a jedi fart.


Im sure a Jedi would make you think that it was you in fact you who farted.

The mind trick is cool and all.. but the choking someone though the com lines.. THAT is a skill I could get into..

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Nose' Feliciano
#11 - 2014-07-22 00:30:20 UTC
Unsuccessful At Everything
The Troll Bridge
#12 - 2014-07-22 01:01:54 UTC
Nose' Feliciano wrote:


One of my personal favorite clips.

I am known for saying "take THAT George Washington!" in the office...

No one gets it but Steve.

Since the cessation of their usefulness is imminent, may I appropriate your belongings?

Kaaeliaa
Tyrannos Sunset
#13 - 2014-07-22 08:19:26 UTC
I hope that is a really, really bad joke.

Or else the movie is going to be a bad joke.

"Do not lift the veil. Do not show the door. Do not split the dream."

Zimmy Zeta
Perkone
Caldari State
#14 - 2014-07-22 08:58:18 UTC
Meh.
Could be worse.
Like, John is a Gungan bounty hunter who is always accompanied by a singing cybernetic orang-utan named Clyde while Daisy is a time travelling teenage vampire schoolgirl who is also a breakdancer and wants to win the annual Coruscant dance competition to become a senator...

Hey, Mr. Abrams, Mr Lukas, you can still hire me as a writer- you know it's going to be awesome! Twisted

I'd like to apologize for the poor quality of the post above and sincerely hope you didn't waste your time reading it. Yes, I do feel bad about it.

Destination SkillQueue
Doomheim
#15 - 2014-07-22 09:07:54 UTC
I don't see the actual linked article say the hand is Luke's. It just says the lightsaber belongs to him. That doesn't mean the hand isn't his, but assuming the hand also belongs to Luke seems like an unjustified leap of faith at this point. Either case it seems weird. Why would anyone else has his weapon and just happen to get it cut off? It can't possibly be the empire strikes back hand and losing his other hand is just comical, but it seems a likely possibility. The trilogies have a lot of intentional repeating of themes and imagery, so another loss of a hand by a Skywalker would be in-line with that.

The star system destroying super weapon also seems believable, since it's typical upping the stakes seen in sequels and has also been done in the star wars extended universe already.

Kaaeliaa wrote:
I hope that is a really, really bad joke.

Or else the movie is going to be a bad joke.

Sounds to me it could be very much like the new star trek movies. Good energy and action with likable characters, but the story is stupid and the script has issues. End result being an ok movie and an enjoyable watch, that gets worse the more you think about it. As bad as that sounds keep in mind, that the prequel trilogy couldn't even do that much for most of the time, so it would still be an upgrade.
Mina Sebiestar
Minmatar Inner Space Conglomerate
#16 - 2014-07-22 09:50:43 UTC  |  Edited by: Mina Sebiestar
meh

hi is making a reboot not a good movie both star trek were massive unimaginative flops i expect or hope to be precise that i will not regret wasting money on parking and popcorn for a hour watching millions of dollars making shiny scenes.

You choke behind a smile a fake behind the fear

Because >>I is too hard

Kaaeliaa
Tyrannos Sunset
#17 - 2014-07-22 13:43:01 UTC
Destination SkillQueue wrote:
I don't see the actual linked article say the hand is Luke's. It just says the lightsaber belongs to him. That doesn't mean the hand isn't his, but assuming the hand also belongs to Luke seems like an unjustified leap of faith at this point. Either case it seems weird. Why would anyone else has his weapon and just happen to get it cut off? It can't possibly be the empire strikes back hand and losing his other hand is just comical, but it seems a likely possibility. The trilogies have a lot of intentional repeating of themes and imagery, so another loss of a hand by a Skywalker would be in-line with that.

The star system destroying super weapon also seems believable, since it's typical upping the stakes seen in sequels and has also been done in the star wars extended universe already.

Kaaeliaa wrote:
I hope that is a really, really bad joke.

Or else the movie is going to be a bad joke.

Sounds to me it could be very much like the new star trek movies. Good energy and action with likable characters, but the story is stupid and the script has issues. End result being an ok movie and an enjoyable watch, that gets worse the more you think about it. As bad as that sounds keep in mind, that the prequel trilogy couldn't even do that much for most of the time, so it would still be an upgrade.


Quoted by DSQ?

My life is complete!

Given the production values, I am sure it will be entertaining. Nostalgia goggles off, it's not like the originals were masterpieces anyway.

There is a prequel trilogy? Shocked

"Do not lift the veil. Do not show the door. Do not split the dream."

Debora Tsung
Perkone
Caldari State
#18 - 2014-07-22 13:45:01 UTC  |  Edited by: Debora Tsung
I read that article and it all becomes clear now, I can finally see, I CAN SEE! Shocked

It's the hand of the cloned emperor who's secretly battling Evil Luke Skywalker, to save the galaxy from an outer galactic nomadic super evil alien species. Their latest cash happened above the skies of Tatooine in which the Good Clone Emperor Palpatine managed to get a hold of Evil Lukes light sabre but despuite this advantage Evil Luke lobbed Good Emperor Palpatines Hand of with is own newly crafted Laser Chainsaw. Both combatants retreat heavily wounded after this battle to regenerate and relpace various lost limbs. Lucky for our new protagonists Palpatines hand had it's own hand + lightsabre sized escape pod so it could land safely on tatooine to be returned to it's owner.

Also the super evil outer galactic alien race are brain collecting sith jedi robots with a lust for blood an only an endless supply of clone troopers could've saved mankind. Thanks for screwing our chances of survival, remnants of the Jedi order...

Stupidity should be a bannable offense.

Fighting back is more fun than not.

Sticky: AFK Cloaking Thread It's not pretty, but it's there.

Malaclypse Muscaria
Royal Amarr Institute
Amarr Empire
#19 - 2014-07-22 14:15:41 UTC
I don't have high hopes in what JJ Abrams will come up with, after having watched his slick and technically well-made, yet shallow and ultimately irrelevant previous movies - but I'm calling bullsh*t on that article, it makes absolutely no sense in any way. It's just a bad attempt at trolling SW fan-boys/girls.

Mudkest
Contagious Goat Labs
#20 - 2014-07-22 14:50:31 UTC
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