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A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.
"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"
Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage."
The genie says "Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2"
Next,the man says "I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage"
The genie says, "You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6"
The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish," I want to be beaten half to death!"

So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy. He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. "Pick me up at seven," she says. "Oh joyous day!" says Jerry. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants-- nothing works. Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He's all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and **** right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."