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EVE Jokes

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Captain Tardbar
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#61 - 2013-12-04 20:53:42 UTC  |  Edited by: ISD LackOfFaith
What's a complete waste of time and money?

{{Redacted a ridiculous amount of blank lines. -- ISD LackOfFaith}}

Keeping an EVE account open just to post on General Discussion.

Looking to talk on VOIP with other EVE players? Are you new and need help with EVE (welfare) or looking for advice? Looking for adversarial debate with angry people?

Captain Tardbar's Voice Discord Server
Hoshi Sorano
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#62 - 2013-12-04 21:18:18 UTC
Okay, someone's got to do it:

"Walking in stations"

"Exploration in Odyssey"

"EULA"

"We'll fix that in a future patch"
Electrique Wizard
Mutually Lucrative Business Proposals
#63 - 2013-12-04 21:22:08 UTC  |  Edited by: Electrique Wizard
Yo momma's so fat people try to deploy command centers on her surface.

I am the Zodiac, I am the stars, You are the sorceress, my priestess of Mars, Queen of the night, swathed in satin black, Your ivory flesh upon my torture rack.
Abdiel Kavash
Deep Core Mining Inc.
Caldari State
#64 - 2013-12-04 22:24:50 UTC
Lykouleon wrote:
Q. What do you call a Hel that jumps into a capital brawl?
A. A loss mail.

It's called "Hel-tanking" the capital fleet.
ISD LackOfFaith
ISD Community Communications Liaisons
ISD Alliance
#65 - 2013-12-04 22:58:53 UTC
What do Blood Raiders do when they catch and board a frigate?

They crew'er.

http://i.imgur.com/LFgZe2p.jpg

ISD LackOfFaith

Captain

Community Communication Liaisons (CCLs)

Interstellar Services Department

I do not respond to Eve Mail or anything other than the forums.
NEONOVUS
Mindstar Technology
Goonswarm Federation
#66 - 2013-12-05 00:05:07 UTC
What did the Dust Merc say to the capsuleer?
why dont you jump out the window if the door doesnt work.

What did the capsuleer say to the other capsuleer on the way down?
My clone is up to date, no you can not have my stuff.

What did the cleaning crew say when they had to scrape up the new Apple variant capsuleer?
No one knows, they were on the other side of the door.
Nylith Empyreal
Sutar Rein
#67 - 2013-12-05 00:10:40 UTC
So an Amarr and a Gallentean go out to test their new guns on a set of rats.

Amarr shoots, rat dies, gallentean fires his blasters, "God damnit I missed!" The Amarr looks annoyed but doesn't say anything.

Go to next belt, Amarr shoots, rat dies, gallentean fires his blasters, "God damnit I missed!" The Amarr bursts out, "If you take the lords name again in vain he himself shall smite you!" Gallentean thinks nothing of it.

Go to the last belt, Amarr shoots, rat dies, Gallentean fires his blasters, 'God damnit I missed!" Suddenly a giant portal opens ripping space and time, and BOOM the Amarr instantly dies, and from the portal, "Damnit I missed!"

Who's the more foolish the fool or the fool who replies to him?
Frying Doom
#68 - 2013-12-05 03:40:45 UTC
Hoshi Sorano wrote:
Okay, someone's got to do it:

"Walking in stations"

"Exploration in Odyssey"

"EULA"

"We'll fix that in a future patch"

You missed "Coming Soon"
and of course the CSM and its missing minutes.Lol

Any spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors are because frankly, I don't care!!
Hoshi Sorano
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#69 - 2013-12-05 18:06:27 UTC
Frying Doom wrote:
Hoshi Sorano wrote:
Okay, someone's got to do it:

"Walking in stations"

"Exploration in Odyssey"

"EULA"

"We'll fix that in a future patch"

You missed "Coming Soon"
and of course the CSM and its missing minutes.Lol


I thought I'd leave a few for someone else. Blink
Jythier Smith
BGG Wolves
#70 - 2013-12-05 18:40:27 UTC
I think they gave the minutes to Erotica1 and he doubled them.
Da'iel Zehn
Evil Frosty's Premium Liqours and Fine Wines
#71 - 2013-12-05 18:54:16 UTC
Some of these jokes are funny. Lol

I have one.

Two women go out shopping for Christmas.

Nora notices Heather is having a hard time walking and appears uncomfortable. Nora asks what is wrong. Heather replies that her husband is a sex fiend and won’t leave her alone.

Later Nora notices Heather is getting numerous texts that seem to be stressing her out. Nora asks if everything is okay. Heather replies that her husband is jealous and is always keeping tabs on her.

Not long after Heather breaks down crying sobbing about how she never has any time for herself. She never gets alone time or have the opportunity to have fun with her friends in peace.

Nora listens with a deep concern and caring heart. Heather is distraught and just doesn't know what to do, so she asks Nora for advice.

Nora gives Heather a big grin and says, “EvE Online sweety. I got it for my husband last year.”
Da'iel Zehn
Evil Frosty's Premium Liqours and Fine Wines
#72 - 2013-12-05 19:38:51 UTC
One more…

In the future, an alliance in null sec works months and months to finally build the first star gate. It was a massive undertaking for materials, skills, and it was a constant war one after the other. When it is finally done everyone jumps into system at the designated time with their best ships, barely cooled new set of implants in their brains, and the chatter is filled with high anticipation and excitement.

The alliance leader gives a big speech praising his team and their hard work that produced such a great marvel. It is a wondrous moment when he clicks the button to open the gate for the very first time. There is a great roar of enthusiasm over voice chat! Being the generous leader that he is, he allows all of his alliance mates to jump through to the unknown destination on the other side. Hell, he even allowed all of his longtime enemies to come along, the local pirates, and even a caravan of high sec silly carebears.

He is watching the star gate stats as everyone jumps through to some distant unknown star. There are wild cries of unimaginable wonder over voice comms. When the last person disappears in a blaze of light, he smiles with delight and says, “Finally!” He jumps through and watches the newer, shiny transition animation for new star gates. Then suddenly he arrives! After a moment the alliance leader’s mouth drops open, his eyes get wide, and he lets out a cry of horror.

“A server node you were on has gone offline.”


Big smile
Reaver Glitterstim
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#73 - 2013-12-06 05:01:15 UTC
EVE Online Facts:
The CSM is a group that maintains Minutes and loses minutes.

CCP Mintchip is taller than CCP Soundwave.

The warp speed rebalance was actually made to reduce shuttle autopilot time so that TEST would be able to field more fleet members against the Goons. Faster interceptors is just a neat side effect.

The real reason Deep Space Transports haven't been buffed is that in doing so they would become exceedingly overpowered on Serenity, and would throw the shard's economy into oblivion.

World of Darkness is actually a technological demonstration designed to test EVE WiS, and not the other way around.

The Hel would not be underpowered if it released two Nidhoggurs upon destruction.

The Phoenix would still be underpowered even if it could rebirth itself indefinitely from its wreck.

The above Phoenix would still be underpowered even if it was fitted with regular torpedoes, and they gained a bonus from the siege module.

The Aeon was the last supercarrier model to be designed, but was left unfinished due to time constraints on part of the graphics design team.

Vile Rat forgot to update his med clone.

that's all I have guys.

FT Diomedes: "Reaver, sometimes I wonder what you are thinking when you sit down to post."

Frostys Virpio: "We have to give it to him that he does put more effort than the vast majority in his idea but damn does it sometime come out of nowhere."
Ishtanchuk Fazmarai
#74 - 2013-12-06 10:03:56 UTC
Earlier this year, CCP Seagull asked how many female FC's where in game, and wanted to have them studied. Several weeks later, the first stats were available, and a strange fact surfaced: Whereas the average male FC would issue 200 commands per battle, female FC's averaged over 400 commands per battle.

Intrigued, CCP Dolan interviewed one of the most notorious female FCs:

"So, we noticed how there is this strange trend... Your average male counterpart issues 200 commands per battle, whereas you the female FCs issue 400. How could that be?"
"It's easy to explain, that's because we must say everything twice"
"What?"
"I said that we must say everything twice..."

Roses are red / Violets are blue / I am an Alpha / And so it's you
My Postman
Royal Amarr Institute
Amarr Empire
#75 - 2013-12-06 11:29:31 UTC
When smuggeling cigarettes from Slovenia to my home country i run into a gate camp by local customes. They ransomed me for € 400. True story!
Electrique Wizard
Mutually Lucrative Business Proposals
#76 - 2013-12-06 13:52:22 UTC  |  Edited by: Electrique Wizard
A Gallentian, a Caldari, an Amarrian and a Minmatari are sitting in an Iteron Mk. V flying towards Jita.

Suddenly the Gallentian stands up and walks towards the airlock. He opens the airlock and dumps out all the Void M. He announces: "Back home in my glorious Dodixie we have all the Void M we could ever need"

Then the Caldari stands up and walks towards the airlock. He opens the airlock and ejects all the Drake BPO's. He tells his fellow capsuleers: "Home in New Caldari we have plenty of Drakes"

Next the Amarrian gets up and walks towards the airlock. He opens the airlock and kicks out the Minmatari.

I am the Zodiac, I am the stars, You are the sorceress, my priestess of Mars, Queen of the night, swathed in satin black, Your ivory flesh upon my torture rack.
CMD Ishikawa
New Eden Public Security Section 9
#77 - 2013-12-07 19:38:29 UTC
Jasmin Natinde wrote:
A newb in his Rifter joins his new nullsec alliance on his first ever op. Everyone else is in blinged out T3s and T2s, a dozen guys ready to rock. "Just sit back and watch the show" they tell him.

First they go three jumps to a neighbouring system, and meet a gang of similar size. FC yells out orders, everything works like clockwork, the enemy all get blown up with no losses - the newb is suitably impressed.
Then they go 10 jumps further. They jump into a bubble camp, the overview all read. FC rallies his troops, they make good use of ECM and all that and after a while the reds are all dead, and only one guy loses his ship. "Wow these guys are great".

That one guy reships, and they go 20 jumps further deep into enemy territory. They get a few kills along the way but finally they get hotdropped, quite a few capitals and a couple of titans on top. All seems lost, but the FC descovers a freaking new game mechanic just in time, distracts the enemy with pictures of ladies in local, and generally uses his machiavellian skills until there's 5 of them left on the field, amid a pile of capital wrecks.
"Holy freaking space, you guys are the best"
"We know" the pros say, smugly.

Time to head home. 30 uneventful jumps later they're one jump from home and ready to call it a day. Suddenly the newb spots one lone guy in local and he's barely older than he is. "Come on guys let's get him, i can fight this one too !"
Complete silence. Then a moment later he sees 2 of his mate's ships self-destruct, 1 ship abandoned by it's owner, the FC flying in panic to a safespot.
"Man, how good must this guy be if he can scare a bunch of pros like my buds !".

Finally he hears the FCs terrified whipser on vent.. "run man, run.. it's an AFK CLOAKER".


The best one so far... =D
Jarod Garamonde
Federal Navy Academy
Gallente Federation
#78 - 2013-12-07 19:40:28 UTC
Electrique Wizard wrote:
A Gallentian, a Caldari, an Amarrian and a Minmatari are sitting in an Iteron Mk. V flying towards Jita.

Suddenly the Gallentian stands up and walks towards the airlock. He opens the airlock and dumps out all the Void M. He announces: "Back home in my glorious Dodixie we have all the Void M we could ever need"

Then the Caldari stands up and walks towards the airlock. He opens the airlock and ejects all the Drake BPO's. He tells his fellow capsuleers: "Home in New Caldari we have plenty of Drakes"

Next the Amarrian gets up and walks towards the airlock. He opens the airlock and kicks out the Minmatari.


You win the thread.

That moment when you realize the crazy lady with all the cats was right...

    [#savethelance]
Bloody Slave
Republic Military School
Minmatar Republic
#79 - 2013-12-07 20:34:51 UTC
Ishtanchuk Fazmarai wrote:
Earlier this year, CCP Seagull asked how many female FC's where in game, and wanted to have them studied. Several weeks later, the first stats were available, and a strange fact surfaced: Whereas the average male FC would issue 200 commands per battle, female FC's averaged over 400 commands per battle.

Intrigued, CCP Dolan interviewed one of the most notorious female FCs:

"So, we noticed how there is this strange trend... Your average male counterpart issues 200 commands per battle, whereas you the female FCs issue 400. How could that be?"
"It's easy to explain, that's because we must say everything twice"
"What?"
"I said that we must say everything twice..."


LOL, I live with 4 of them (wife, mother and daughters) and I'm pretty sure when I'm trying to "FC" the things here at home I issue 800 commands per battle and not a single one is followed.Evil

Blink

If your balls are hurt and bleeding don't sit in a pool full of piranhas (note to myself: don't complain in GD)
Reaver Glitterstim
The Scope
Gallente Federation
#80 - 2013-12-07 21:22:09 UTC
I know a lot of FCs who issue 8-10 commands per order.

"jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump"
"hold cloak hold cloak hold cloak hold cloak hold cloak"
"uncloak and fire on red guy fire on red guy red guy is primary red guy is primary uncloak and fire on red guy"
"why is red guy not dying why is red guy not dying red guy is primary red guy is primary fire on red guy uncloak and fire on red guy nobody should be cloaked"
"gate crash gate crash gate crash gate crash gate crash gate crash get out of there get out of there warp off if you have to gate crash gate crash"
"warp warp warp warp warp warp warp warp warp warp warp"
"is everyone with us? who lost a ship?"
"hold on gate hold on gate hold on gate hold on gate"
"jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump"
"warp warp warp warp warp warp warp warp warp"

FT Diomedes: "Reaver, sometimes I wonder what you are thinking when you sit down to post."

Frostys Virpio: "We have to give it to him that he does put more effort than the vast majority in his idea but damn does it sometime come out of nowhere."