Out of Pod Experience

Marriage is like a deck of cards, it starts out with 2 hearts and a diamond and ends looking for a club and a spade.

This one needs you to make sound effects, so it's best told by this YouTube clip. There's actually two jokes here...

The Whale Jokes

A horse walks into a bar and the batender says "why the long face"

and the horse replies "because i have cancer"



its a very hot day and a blind man walks past a fish shop and stops for a second before saying "hello ladies"

What do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium

A man walks into a bar asking for some H2O

His friend also walks in. "I want some H20 too!"

his friend dies

A pig farmer wanted to win the Blue Ribbon at the fair, so he asked the previous year's winner how he did it. "You have to fatten up your best pig, get it REALLY fat," he said.

"How do I do that?" asked the farmer.

"Easy. You take a cork and plug up the pig's rear. That way it'll gain weight, and you'll have the fattest pig. Then you'll win the Blue Ribbon."

Well, it seemed simple enough, so the farmer tried it, and sure enough, his pig won the Blue Ribbon at the county fair that year.

The farmer took the pig home, and then he started thinking, "Now how will I get the cork out? There's a lot of pressure on that cork!" So he called up the last year's winner again and asked him.

"Easy," he replied. "You go to the pet store, get a monkey, then drill a hole in a piece of plywood and put the cork in it. Then teach the monkey to pull the cork out."

That sounds easy enough, thought the farmer. So he went to the pet store, bought a monkey, drilled a hole in a piece of plywood, and put the cork in it. Then he trained the monkey to take the cork out of the plywood.

The time came to put the monkey's training to use. The farmer thought, "I don't want to be too close to the action when the monkey pulls that cork out - after all, there's a lot of pressure behind that cork!" So he asked his brother-in-law to stand right behind the monkey and the pig. He asked his other brother-in-law to stand 50 yards back. Then, just to be sure, he asked a drinking buddy to stand 100 yards away from the action. Then he took a stroll and walked back another 50 yards, thinking 150 yards ought to be plenty of distance. Then he yelled at the monkey, "PULL THE PLUG!"

Well, the monkey pulled the plug, and even though he was 150 yards away, there was so much pressure on that cork that the farmer got his face and hands all coated with pig poop. Disgusted, he wiped his hands on the grass and walked up to his drinking buddy. Even 100 yards away, his drinking buddy had been splattered even worse than he had, and he was cussing up a storm until the farmer promised to buy his next couple of drinks.

He kept walking to his brother-in-law 50 yards away, and he was covered, and cussing like a sailor. He had to promise him a six-pack before he cooled down. Then he walked on up to where his first brother-in-law was standing next to the pig. He was literally covered head to toe, and globs were dripping off of him. But to the farmer's astonishment, that brother-in-law was laughing so hard he was doubled up and clutching his stomach. Stunned, the farmer asked him, "Why are you laughing? You're covered with crap!"

The brother-in-law could barely get the words out, but gasping, he finally managed to say:

"You should have seen that monkey trying to put the cork back in!"

Looking to the right... --->
<--- looking to the left...

No joke was found.

Odin, father to the young Thor and Loki, was constantly frustrated by their fighting with each other. Time and again Loki would provoke his brother, and sometimes he would evade Thor's inevitable rampage, and sometimes he would not.

What was worst, in Odin's eyes, was when Loki would provoke Thor just as Odin was assembling the hosts of Asgaard for battle. Thor would go tearing off trying to seize Loki to deliver the beating he so richly deserved. Often the reason for this was that Loki didn't want to go off to battle. Knowing this, Odin would keep an eye on things and send someone to interrupt them before things would escalate too far.

One day, as the forces of Asgaard were arrayed before Odin in preparation for the start of a great campaign, he surveyed the forces. They were fine, pale, fierce, with gleaming armor, ready to deal death and destruction to any who opposed them. Thor stood among them, but Loki was notably absent. A messenger approached Odin and related Loki's fondest desire to avoid assembly for battle this day. Odin, stealing a page from his other son's book, thundered back at the messenger that Loki was commanded to appear.

Some minutes later, Loki appeared, eyes downcast, slumping over in his armor. He had provoked Thor again, but this time, Thor had managed to beat him to with an inch of his life. Every visible patch of Loki's skin was black or blue or purple.

Odin walked over to Loki, lifted his chin with a forefinger and said gently, "Knowing you seek escape from the duties of battle, I thought you were making a petty excuse, but this," Odin said with a gleam in his eye, "is a Norse of a different color."

You have to have watched a lot of bad old American Westerns to get it. Anyway it's a horrible not-funny rubbish joke.

Denied for being a RL situation rather than a rubbish joke

What animal is the best at maths?

It'sssss obviousssssly the Adder.

What would you rather Bee or a Wasp


An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese chappie are all hired at a construction site.
The foreman points too a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "Seeing that you once played at center-half for your Country you're in charge of sweeping,"
To the Irishman, he says "Seeing as you have expieriance digging potatoes you're in charge of the shoveling,"
Then to the Chinese guy, he said "Seeing as you were in the Logistics corp of the Chinese army you're going to be in charge of the supplies."
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off Everest like the pile of sand looking for the Chinese vet.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..


"SUPPLIES!"