Intergalactic Summit

I've been trying to get along as a capsuleer doing nice things in the galaxy for people, because that's what I'm all about these days. No "supporting the war effort" for me, no siree, I've just been flying around and helping people when I can, and also trying to get people to buy my excellent recipes so I can survive in space day by day. PIE can attest to this as some of them have really helped me out with finding the right path to walk on, there are such nice people in that organisation I swear.

Because I was wanting a change from catering though, I thought I'd accept some jobs from some guy who needed some mining done. I heard it could lead me to a better reputation with the Empire that I am a part of and I love, so why not, right? It was all very benevolent stuff. "Mine these rocks here because they're radioactive and they're preventing us from salvaging" - okay, I can do that. "Mine these other rocks because I want to do some experiments with the minerals" - sure no problem. All was well, and exactly the sort of thing you'd expect from a righteous Amarr agency.

So anyway, after a few jobs like this then he passes my name onto some other guy who tells me he has a very important mission that could make the Amarr Empire look upon me more favourably. Great, I thought. So he sends me out to get a slave of his who took off somewhere, which I thought was a bit weird because that didn't have anything to do with mining, or catering, which are really the only two things I can kind of do at the moment, and I did make that very clear to the guy from before. I didn't mind going and getting a slave though, how hard can it be - I thought he was probably just lost. After all, space is kind of big and if you were a slave who couldn't fly a ship it'd be easy to misplace yourself. When you think about it, we're all one wrong drunken turn in a cargo bay away from waking up planetside in JIta on a park bench wearing nothing but an overcoat stuffed with ISK and not remembering how we got there. It just seemed like a simple courier job, and I can do those, it's easy enough to get from A to B, right? I didn't even have to go to any lowsec systems.

So I went out to where the slave was, which actually wasn't far, and damned if I didn't straight away get attacked by all these crazy people trying to kill me. I didn't know what the big deal was but it was clearly a case of them or me because they had that scrambler thingy on my ship, so I did what I had to do and I shot them all. None of them were capsuleers so they're all dead now. I don't know how you people do it all the time - I had to look away and try to think happy thoughts. It was difficult. Then to make things worse the slave's boyfriend or whatever turned up in some other ship and started raving on about something to do with love or what - I must confess that I wasn't really listening to a single word because he was shooting me at the same time, which is really not a good way to get people to listen because the lasers hitting my shields were kind of loud, they vibrate the whole ship and stuff, and when that missile hit my ship it really freaked me out, it shook the whole pod around and I was screaming and losing it. So I had to kill him too. I felt bad about it, I think that if maybe he had calmed down a bit and taken his hand off the lasers for maybe ten seconds we could have maybe worked something out. Some people are so disagreeable. It's a good thing that my drones don't panic nearly as much as I do or I probably wouldn't be writing this.

So I got the slave back, so the guy who sent me on the job was happy because he got his property back, and the Empire now probably loves me something like 0.37% more, but I don't feel too good about it. If I knew exactly what was involved I wouldn't have taken the job, but I thought it was a simple courier mission, not a killing dozens of dudes sort of thing. Although I know that I'm not really to blame, I still feel bad anyway. Since many of you people here are crazy murderers who kill hundreds of guys before breakfast I just thought I'd ask you - how do you sleep at night? I don't mean that in a rhetorical "trying to guilt trip you" sort of way, I'm serious because I'm not sure if I'll sleep tonight myself. Tomorrow I have to get up and go to work making spicy fish sauce and it's going to be weird smiling at customers and knowing that the day before I exploded a bunch of guys. Any tips that you more experienced pilots have for dealing with the psychological fallout of turning into a mass murderer overnight, I'd really appreciate that, because I figure it's territory familiar to most of you and surely you coped somehow. You can't ALL be morally vacuous and repugnant sociopaths, I'm sure some of you needed a coping mechanism. So anyway, please share, thank you.

I see you're still going for the whole "being creepy" thing. How's that working out for you. Just fine I suspect.

Okay, I take your word for it. Glad it's working out for you.

Now let's hear from someone a little less sociopathic in 3... 2... 1...

Good suggestions thank you.

Rather than bending or breaking, can't I just get the wind to get lost?

Also what's a shaman.

You'll never really get rid of the wind. Sure there are those who claim they feel no remorse. In the end we all have to live with ourselves.

As for your second question I am not sure if you are jesting. Seeing your earlier words here on the IGS I assume you posses a degree of naivety not often seen in capsuleers.

To keep the answer as simple as possible, a shaman is a spiritual leader.

The world is a hostile place. Especially when travelling among the stars. When met with such hostality, it matters little for the outcome of the meeting what your own intentions are. But keep up the good intentions for your own sake.

One cannot remove themselves from the world when trying to exist.

"I had to kill?" If there is one thing a capsuleer need never do is kill. A baseliner may need to use deadly force in defense of his or her own life. But as a clone, we need not kill. It is a myth that the life of a capsuleer requires violence. Unfortunately, you will find great understanding from the majority of those who comment here. They will tell you to "get used to it;" "its part of the job." Let me be a dissenting voice. Never, never get used to killing. Whoever these baseliners were, you killed them. They have no clones to reconstitute. They are dead. Was it worth the standing increase? You make that call.

Though I have never fired a weapon, I have lost ship crews due to my own inexperience and poor judgment. They died and I am responsible for that. May I never forget that or be comfortable with that. Human life is not a trifle.

Bottom line: You did not have to kill; you chose to kill. DON'T get used to it. Let it bother you and keep on letting it bother you. Don't become a wholesale killer like so many capsuleers. Personally, I hope this experience makes a wreck of you enough that you are never the same and possibly, never kill again.

There's a saying in Amarrian: praemonitus praemunitus. It translates as forewarned is forearmed, and whilst it's usage is steeped in military operations it's application in day to day life is really rather appropriate.

The saying is something for you to consider I think. The more you know about any given situation, be it commercial or military, the better you can react if the situation goes awry. If you can't handle the emotions that come with killing someone, egger or not, then you need to accept the fact that you cannot undo what you did and control the situation in the future or softclone the memories out of your head. Note: the latter does require some degree of prior planning.

Whilst I can't help you with your emotional fallout regarding the situation, I would recommend steeling yourself for the future. It is very hard to survive in the void without shooting someone at some point in time. The better prepared you are to deal with it the better.

Maybe they would have lived if you'd have bothered to fight back, you incompetent, sentimental, weakling.