Out of Pod Experience

Do you guys think it's possible for someone to have a mental handicap and for them to simply find alternate ways to do everything, to the point that nobody, including themselves, is aware of the handicap?

Cause sometimes I feel like I'm mentally handicapped. I think so differently from other people, and it is so difficult for me to understand normal people. Nearly every personality trait people take for granted about other people is a trait I don't have.

-edit-had to change the word r e t a r d e d to handicapped because the EVE forums censor it as if it's a bad word. I resent that and find that offensive.

-edit-After thinking about it, I decided that handicapped fits better than the aforementioned and censored R word. It means to slow something down, while a handicap doesn't necessarily stop you but forces you to find a different approach, or just makes it more difficult. That's exactly the right term after all, I guess. But more importantly, people should stop trying to find a label that isn't offensive. It's not the labels that are offensive, it's the attitude with which people view these conditions that is offensive.

I wouldn't say handicapped unless it meant a serious lack of performance. Just performing in a different way it's not a handicap itself (albeit it sucks most of the time). As owner of an unusual mind, there are things I regret, and things i take pride of.

Anyway, as years go by and i manage to stay alive, I am more and more inclined to just accept that "my way" is how it is and there's no point complaining about the spilled milk.

Sure i would love to be "ordinary" and have something that could pose for an "ordinary life", and also woudl help to have some serious mental disease that could be forwarded as a "tag" so people could try and figure where i am coming from (and then run away), but well, serious mental diseases suck.

If you ever are up to peek a look at mental diseases, I would recommend you a documentary titled "Monkeys like Becky", which in one hand is a little story on Dr. Egas Moniz, the inventor of lobotomy, but also an insider's view on mental diseases and therapy (specifically it adresses schizophrenia, but there's many common grounds covered).

It's hard to say if I'm suffering from it, and also hard to say if I really have one primary condition setting me apart, or just a collection of symptoms that make me feel a combination of very lucky and very unlucky with little middle ground. Because of this, it is difficult to describe what sets me apart from others. Every time I try to describe it to myself, it comes out differently. I've always liked the thought that I'm just normal and I know that most or almost all people are not as normal as they pretend to be, but I have often struggled not to be an outcast and with little success.

It's always little social things I have trouble with. I don't understand why we celebrate birthdays as a formality rather than because we actually like the person, or I can't figure out how to get a word in during a conversation because everyone is interrupting each other, or I refuse to avoid a taboo because avoiding it puts it on a pedestal-whether I am for or against it. My mother and many others in my life have told me what to do and become frustrated with me in what they perceived to be defiance. It hurts so much because I am perhaps the most obedient person I have ever known. I became obsessed with obedience at a very early age and was hellbent on figuring out how to follow the vague commands others give me. But no matter what, nobody could make instructions clear to me, and I was generally the only person who was confused.

I am very curious and inquisitive. I have a child-like mentality in that I seem unable to become a responsible adult. Instead I muck my way through life one step at a time, trying not to think about my future because in my mind it's just a dark wall of things that can't be predicted. I have no direction in my life, but I know of a great many things I wish I were. I can't get a job because I can't motivate myself to work for nothing, and seeking work is work that I don't get paid for. It's also a gamble in that I might not find work, and that scares me even more. I fear gambling--I can't stand making a choice that gives up my control. On the other hand, if I never had the control, then it doesn't bother me.

I put everyone else on a pedestal. I naturally feel that everyone is better than me by default. I have difficulty convincing myself to be skeptical of anything anyone says, and I also have difficulty trusting that I am right when someone else disagrees with me. But also I often see things clearly that others don't--I am close to being a genius. Sometimes I get frustrated that something as obvious to me as gravity is just beyond other people's comprehension, and they insist that they know better than me. Then I struggle with myself to decide whether or not the omniscient beings are right when they tell me that two plus two really does equal three.

I'm naturally good at language, vocabulary, grammar, spelling, math, hard sciences, theoretical physics, virtually all artistic concepts. I can imitate others' work and reproduce it much better. I learn slowly but I learn better than others. I comprehend language somewhat like a science fiction android; the words make sense but what I think they mean isn't the same as what others think they mean. I have very limited instinct for intonations and other unspoken language, and I understand what I understand from learning each item bit by bit and cataloging them in my mind. Raw language, on the other hand, has patterns I pick up easily. French, to me, is remarkably similar to English. Many people disagree with me on this.

I have an extremely high tolerance for pain. For a very long time I did not know this about me. I believed that I had an extremely low tolerance for pain. Every time someone would cry in pain, I would believe that their pain was immeasurably greater than any I had ever experienced. Every time I cried in pain, I would admonish myself for being so whimpy. At some point in my adulthood, I started to realize that pain, to me, was no longer something that had a bearability factor. Pain, to me, is an indicator of physical damage. If I can know that a particular pain is not a problem, then it doesn't bother me. Only the damage bothers me. I am certain that if I could give birth--and if there were no complications--it would be one of the easier things I ever did. I always perceive difficulty only in terms of how much of a struggle there is in doing it right, never in how much effort is required or how much torment there is to endure. I am insanely jealous of people who's lives are simple but uncomfortable, who receive recognition and approval for being willing to put up with the physical stress.

Above all else, I seek approval in others. I live for approval. Without people to like me and agree with me, to want me or have use of me, to care about me or my life--without those things I am an empty shell.

Wow...now that was pretty personal and in depth. You should have made a throwaway forum alt for that, just sayin'.

From what you have written I cannot give you a specific diagnosis (and I won't ever give a diagnosis via internet, unless to troll people). But I think I understand several things: your problem is that, although you are rather intelligent, you cannot find work and that bothers you. You have a very low threshold for frustration. You feel uneasy in social situations.

Serious advice: quit EVE.
No, really, online games are dangerous for you.
They make you withdraw into a virtual dream world where everything is easier for you than real life, because you get quick gratification and easy rewards within a set of clear, comprehensible rules.
Life isn't like that, not even close.
The more you live in this virtual sandbox, the less you will care for your real problems. As frustration with your real life increases, you will spend more and more time in your virtual life, thus preventing you from solving your RL issues- and so the vicious circle begins.
Online games are like opium for you, potentially highly addictive and and could ruin your life.
You should at least take a break for several months, until you have found a job; maybe resub to reward you for that, but it would be safer to stay away from it as far as you can.

You mean being an immortal super-warrior with nearly unlimited money doens't make life somewhat easier?

True.
Somewhat missing OP's point, but true.

I'm just teasing. I don't know, I just found your advice... well, not surprising, but a bit suspect. According to OP he isn't particularly suffering. As you said, feeling that you're a little bit crazy is perfectly normal. I'm mentally effed (that's the technical term I think, I do have a diagnosis and I'm lined up for several courses of treatments) despite having a flourishing social life and I still value my online interactions as a supportive net for when I fall.

Yeah.
But then again, do you really believe that he would start a thread with his main and give away so much personal information if he wasn't ?

Speaking from experience, yes. Sometimes we just need to connect. To share our perspective and see if others can verify how we're feeling.



That's pretty pertinent. Most countries have specific support groups designed to assist people in your situation. I'm not sure what'd be available in your locality though. Might be worth looking into.

Knowing how I want to live and living that way are too very different things. And I'm still figuring out what I want and what I need. I am almost 30 years old and it was just today that I figured out some of the things I mentioned up a ways.