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Ganking Adventures While on the Toilet

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Buck Futz
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#1 - 2012-09-20 05:46:40 UTC
As most of you know, ganking is serious business.
Sometimes, even more serious than 'doing your business'.

Most Eve players are familiar with being trolled by their squirrelly tracts.
MMO's wait for no bowel movement and Eve has no "pause" key.

But years back, after a particularly spicy Lamb Vindaloo, I realized, "Hey, Quad-core laptop, wireless internet, no problem!"

Between two accounts I've killed over a thousand Exhumers. Of those, I'd estimate at least 40 or 50 carebear scumbags have met their demise while I was 'seated upon the throne', so to speak.

Warp-in, Plop, plop, F1, Clear-GCC-popup, Boom! Accept Tears, Post KM, Wipe and Flush.

One particularly memorable toilet gank occurred in Agrallarier.
The victim was a particularly slow-witted Navy Dominix in the 4th room of Angel Extravaganza.
Who decided to shoot at my sig-tanked Wolf. Of course, he decided to take this action just as nature began calling, urgently. Still, a red-box is a redbox - so I willed my sphincter to PERSERVERE.

I promptly locked him down and killed off his drones in a tight orbit. Couldn't crack his tank and needed more firepower delivered to the missionspace. Sweat beading on my brow, fired up the 100MWD Digital Booster on my hot-rod Orca and started running through the gates at 850km/sec.

My churning guts made me realize that i wasn't going to make it. I could keep him locked down with the Wolf forever - but these carebears are craven. I couldn't risk him pulling a logoffski and escaping while I was AFK....

Result: epic toilet kill. Perhaps a bit clumsier than usual, due to having to rely on the clitmouse....
yet shortly after settling down and 'jettisoning', my Orca closed the distance and performed a similar bowel movement.

Except instead of a serpentine turd, it was a PLATED AUTOCANE! Neuts and 220MM's blazing, the Navy Domi was quickly assploded. With a whoop and a flush I claimed Victory! As my dinner spiraled away, I realized I hadn't just defeated a stupid simple carebear....but treacherous human biology as well!

And then I washed my hands.
ShahFluffers
Ice Fire Warriors
#2 - 2012-09-20 07:59:49 UTC
That's.... one way to do it... I think?

How did you Veterans start?
Alice Saki
Nocturnal Romance
Cynosural Field Theory.
#3 - 2012-09-20 08:02:00 UTC
Dafuq.

FREEZE! Drop the LIKES AND WALK AWAY! - Currenly rebuilding gaming machine, I will Return.
Eugene Kerner
TunDraGon
Goonswarm Federation
#4 - 2012-09-20 08:08:27 UTC
Best piece I read in a while; would read again; 9/10

TunDraGon is recruiting! "Also, your boobs [:o] "   CCP Eterne, 2012 "When in doubt...make a diȼk joke." Robin Williams - RIP
Pak Narhoo
Splinter Foundation
#5 - 2012-09-20 08:12:19 UTC
I didn't read that, did I? Shocked
Solstice Project
Sebiestor Tribe
Minmatar Republic
#6 - 2012-09-20 08:12:37 UTC
Alice Saki wrote:
Dafuq.
That black hair fits you much better.
Arkon Olacar
black.listed
#7 - 2012-09-20 08:42:48 UTC
what did I just read?
stoicfaux
#8 - 2012-09-20 09:23:01 UTC
Would read again, but only if post was written on toilet paper.

Also, to stay on topic, what is a good disinfectant for a laptop? Lysol spray? Baby wipes? Scented or unscented?



Pon Farr Memorial: once every 7 years, all the carebears in high-sec must PvP or they will be temp-banned.
Tinja Soikutsu
Perkone
Caldari State
#9 - 2012-09-20 09:33:12 UTC
Alice Saki wrote:
Dafuq.


seconded.
CCP Gargant
C C P
C C P Alliance
#10 - 2012-09-20 09:41:13 UTC
Thread locked for distaste. This forum is not for these kinds of stories but I'm sure there are some others out there if you really need to describe your escapades in the bathroom.

CCP Gargant | EVE Universe esports Coordinator