Out of Pod Experience

So I boot up intending to do my taxes (Which I saved for the last minute again, like a real winner), and IE greets me with "cannot open the webpage" at my homepage and google.

So I run the repair utility on my network connection. No dice.
Reset the router. No dice.
Drop the firewall. No dice.
System Restore. No dice.

In exasperated frustration, and with no better ideas left, I start hopelessly clicking through my favorites tabs, and to my complete amazement, Eve-O comes up.

This would seem to indicate it's the ISP's problem somehow, and not local - but everyone I text and ask says they're not having any issues.

So what gives? Has reality itself finally bent over backwards just to screw me?